Selected Works of Paleolithic Art, With Notes from Paleontologist Ethan Dumfries and The Original Artists
Dumfries: This profile of a horse scratched into a fragment of rib, originally called the Ochre Horse, but now more commonly referred to as the Robin Hood Cave Horse, was discovered in Britain in 1876. It is thought to be 12,500- 13,000 years old. The vertical lines possibly represent spears, or a primitive type of fencing that may have been used to capture the horses while hunting.
Gr’nth – Oh, this thing. Yeah, I guess it sort of looks like a horse. But I’ve made better. This one is kind of crappy. You can see I broke it in half and scribbled it out. I carved hundreds of wild animals in my life, and THIS is what you idiots found. I suppose you’d go rummaging through Shakespeare’s trash bin, too.
Dumfries: Ah, exquisite. This is a fine example of a well-preserved painting from the cave walls of Lascaux, France. The most well-known work of Upper Paleolithic art, the roughly 17,300 year old Lascaux Cave Paintings contain over 2,000 individual figures, mostly large beasts common to the region. Some believe the paintings were made as part of a ceremony to bring good luck to a hunting party, and others believe they represent a very early astrological chart. In the example above, the eyes of the bull, the bird, and the man may allude to the constellation we call the Summer Triangle.
Bor-kar: Haha, oh man. My cousin wives and I had a few friends over that night, and some dummy thought it would be a good idea to play Pictionary. I got up to draw, and my phrase was fainting between birds and bulls, which I promise was a VERY common saying back in my time. Any idiot should have gotten that. Instead, they kept guessing “Bird Ass!”, “Bull Shit”, “Sleepy guy with a pointy boner!”. Mostly they wanted to know why the bull’s nutsack was so big. I was furious, and beat them all to death with my club.
Dumfries: What a treat! This handsome creature is the Lion Man of Hohlenstein Stradel. It is carved from mammoth ivory, and at 40,000 years of age, is the oldest known zoomorphic, or animal-shaped, sculpture. It was believed that the Lion Man was a deity of sorts for the Aurignacian culture of prehistoric Europe, and this piece was likely an idol to be used in religious ceremonies.
Ut-gah: That’s Captain Shtonk! I haven’t seen that thing since I was a kid. I got this for my 84th moon day. I’d take him everywhere, and pretend to have all kinds of adventures with him. My uncle Stahn-L’ee was famous in our tribe for telling comical stories of super-powered heroes, but Captain Shtonk will always be my favorite. (Incidentally, my brother was the one who cut the 7 lines on his arm. That’s not canon.)
Dumfries: Finally, we come to the lovely Venus of Hohlefels. This 35,000 – 40,000 year old piece is a particular favorite of mine. The exaggerated breasts and reproductive organs almost surely makes this a fertility totem. The miniaturized head had a hole pierced through, so it may have even been worn as an amulet by some powerful shaman. This is a relic of power and beauty, and I tear up every time I see it.
Flin-tag: This is straight up porn, man. Them big ol titties and that massive gunt really drove us cavedudes wild. I made that when I first got the hardness of the third leg, and must have ung-ung-ungh’ed off to that sweet lady hundreds of times. Is it still sticky? Can I borrow it?
@SirEviscerate spent way too much time doing actual research for this nonsense. Follow him anyway on Twitter.