AL MICHAELS: Welcome to tonight’s game in St. Louis, where the Rams will host the Broncos! Joining me in the booth tonight is Ted from the NFL’s Public Relations office. He’ll make sure we stay on-message during the broadcast!
TED: Happy to be here, Al.
AL: Glad to have you. After the touchback, the Broncos have the ball first on the 20 yard line. Manning drops back and passes complete to Welker over the middle for a first down and WHAT A HIT!
TED (simultaneously): Incomplete pass!
AL: I’m sorry to have to correct you on your first night Ted, but that was completed pass for 17 yards and a vicious shot from the safety, Rodney McLeod.
TED: I didn’t see that. The league has no comment on the alleged incident involving Mr. Welker.
AL: And Welker is still down. This looks to be his second concussion of the season, which would tie his career best!
TED: The NFL is investigating the troubling allegations that Mr. Welker ever played football.
AL: Let’s go to the replay. Welker gets behind the linebacker in coverage but the throw is a little high, exposing his body to the deep safety.
TED: Upon viewing this tape — which I have never seen before and did not know existed — I, along with the rest of America, am disgusted. Unless America feels differently, in which case that is the way I now feel, and always have.
AL: Either way, it’s all academic now for Welker, who has died.
TED: It is a great tragedy. And an even greater mystery. Say, look at the very striking pink accents on that bodybag!
AL: Ted, what can you tell us about all of the pink in the stadium tonight to promote breast cancer awareness?
TED: The NFL cares about women, Al. Why don’t they like us back? We already have a reality show and a clothing line. Meet us halfway, ladies! We feel a woman shouldn’t have to confront any aspect of her life, including intimate healthcare decisions, without the specter of our brand presence looming over her shoulder. If the Rams score a defensive touchdown tonight, everyone in attendance gets a free pap smear!
AL: Many of us attended this year’s Walk For A Cure with breast cancer survivors. A sobering vision of strength and dignity.
TED: Hey, look! Cheerleaders!
AL: What are they wearing as brassieres tonight? Fanbelts?
TED: They are raising more than just awareness in me right now.
AL: I haven’t seen so much exposed breast since I took a steam with John Madden.
TED: Hey! Were you at Madden’s retirement party? That was also a night dedicated to women!
AL: I saw a lot of pink THAT night too! (They high-five)
TED: Al, America’s recent disgust with how the NFL has handled women’s issues can only be interpreted one way: “We want the NFL, specifically, to lead the cultural conversation on women’s issues for us.”
AL: An important charge, and an enormous undertaking.
TED: Not really! We’ll bring out haunted Sunday school marionette Bob Costas and his damp, pop-eyed stare to deliver a needling sermon at halftime. Stick around!
Public Service Announcement: NFL players run through a verdant field with beatific schoolchildren, encouraging them to exercise 60 minutes a day. The children have the quivering fast twitch muscles and razor-thin subcutaneous fat of autumn fawns.
Commercial: Under the Carl’s Jr. logo, Kate Upton removes a set of dentures and gags down a banana split studded with cheese curds.
Commercial: 19-year-olds in denim bustiers slap-fight in a bog of hogshit, trying to get to the last Bud Light at a county fair.
TED: Jesus, that makes me thirsty. I haven’t had one dry day since Susan left. Had to turn in my 90 day chip. Good thing we are in St. Louis, every other building is a brewery in this concrete nightmare.
AL: Um…and just listen to the roar of this classy St. Louis crowd as they give Welker’s unmoving shroud a standing ovation! This truly reminds us how NFL teams are such an important source of civic pride for their cities.
TED: At least until next season when this shitbox is closed for good and this franchise is shipped to Los Angeles.
AL: Is that a flask?
TED: Los Angeles or any major TV market that has a tax base prepared to present itself as a quivering submissive to team ownership. Lookin’ mighty good over there, San Antonio! Save some pap for us!