The Great Debate by @KalvinMacleod

We are at a tipping point, a time of great choice and new found freedom of expression. The Digital Revolution has left a wake of disruption, decimating well-established industries like the music business while forcing the likes of the print world to reinvent itself time and time again. Now, as phones get smarter, telecommuting gains momentum and people become generally more and more isolated, we are forced to ask a simple, but profound question: Should we or should we not be wearing pants.

For years, companies like Levis and Lululemon have marketed pants as the go-to standard attire for the entire human race but, times are changing and people are looking for new ways to interact with the world.

“Pants are what your grandma and grandpa used to wear,” says one fashion insider who was wearing a meat shirt and what looked like pants but could just as easily have been curtains. “It’s a brave new world,” adds a researcher who has credentials.

Scientists have been studying this pants-on/pants-off phenomenon with varying degrees of success for more than one year. It’s a moving target, they agree, but have slowly come to realize that the situation is much more complicated than simply having a choice in the matter. “Many legs have hair,” says one scientist happy with the discovery. “We’re now learning that the human leg has the ability to withstand much more exposure to both indoor and outdoor elements than anyone originally thought. That doesn’t necessarily mean that we are meant to sit at home in our underwear, though”, he adds. “It just means we should research the subject more and put out more studies and more papers and hopefully get more grant money.” Of course, many of these same scientists are usually wearing full-length lab coats. Are they wearing pants? It’s really hard to tell.

For many, the idea of wearing pants may be a moot point. If you’re at home alone eating Cheetos, pants are obviously not necessary, but for the rest, what is the answer? In essence, do we even need pants anymore? Are the days of pants being a requirement on the subway or at a concert or at the office becoming numbered? Should lawmakers look at loosening the belt around pant restrictions, allowing freeballers the freedom to grocery shop without fear of prosecution by pant loving lobbyists?

Many say yes, but the issues are complex.

What do the legs look like? Are they knobby, pasty, hairy, of differing length? Surely these traits must be taken into consideration. And what of pant types? Studies have shown that people are more likely to wear pants if they own at least one pair of jeans or yoga pants. This number drops significantly in households where no pants can be found. Khakis and suit pants are still a popular choice amongst dads and office dwellers while attire like jeggings and zubaz are an anomaly that most researchers have difficulty fully understanding. Tearaway pants and jogging pants, although still lagging far behind in popularity in most parts of the world, do have a home in the closets of some people who are writing this article.

Of course weather plays an important factor in this debate as well. In southern climates, the answer is clearly no, pants are not required and several southern States and Caribbean countries are quickly moving to ban them entirely. Unfortunately, in the north, where temperatures are unpredictable and the threat of snow is always a possibility, “pants are here to stay” as one top official put it. In Canada, one group of one researcher has concluded that some people innately prefer pants and she attributes this to the fact that many babies are still born wearing snowpants and/or cute little mittens. “Pants are part of our DNA,” she may have said.

Unfortunately there is no clear cut answer to the debate about pants. In this day and age, more and more people are spending more and more of their time looking at their phones instead of interacting with the people around them. The Digital Revolution has taken hold. “If no one notices that you’re in the room,” opined one of the leading researchers in this burgeoning field of study, “does it really matter at all what you’re wearing?”

Of course, if you’re reading this, you may already be wondering this same thing.

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