Vacation Days by @hardlyrelevant

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For those of you who don’t know, it’s 2015! As many of you may or may not realize, 2014 sucked. There were wars, Twitter beefs, and even more awful Taylor Swift songs. But that’s all in the past! For most of you with full-time jobs, 2015 brings with it new vacation days. Vacation days are the best thing to come along since hot dogs or the Bible (depending on who you ask). Many people like to travel on their vacation days, so I decided to write this helpful guide for all of you who look to spend your days off somewhere away from your crappy homes. Here are two travel options that you should check out in the coming year.

Fly to Another Country
One of the most common forms of leisure is air travel. Wilbur and Orville Wright invented human flight way back when those kinds of names were still considered acceptable (1774?), and now we have planes that would make them cum in their stupid old pants. From New Zealand (G’day, mate!) to Eastern Europe (no thanks) and the Middle East (oil), there are no shortage of awesome destinations outside of the US for which to jet off. For your convenience, I’ve reviewed some of the most popular.

  • England: The word “fortnight” has nothing to do with building forts at night. Colossal disappointment. Ate a lot of fish. They talk like Harry Potter, which was redemptive. 5/10
  • France: Don’t even have French fries there. They’re FRENCH fries. How do they not have those? Lots of art, if you care about that. A guy sneezed on me on the metro. 2/10
  • Mexico: Lots of Chihuahuas, but still not nearly enough. I tried to do a flip on a water trampoline and bit through my lip. Very hot. Like Texas, but with crappier water. 3/10
  • Greece: Nothing like the animated cartoon, Hercules. Saw almost no big fat Greek weddings, and the one I did see was much more hostile than the movie when I tried to dance with them. 2/10
  • Italy: No Olive Gardens. Like none at all. 1/10
  • South America: Didn’t actually go there, got too scared of the Amazon rainforest. Lots of animals, I think, and dudes who don’t wear clothes rowing canoes. 3/10
  • Harry Potter World: An incredible place, filled with fun and whimsy. 11/10

Technically, Harry Potter World is in Orlando, FL, but in reality, it’s a world unto itself. I know you’ll probably think that getting 11/10 is impossible, but nothing is impossible when you surrender yourself to the power of magic.

Other places to visit: Spain, Amsterdam, Canada (summer only), Not Russia

Take a Road Trip
If you don’t like flying, have no fear! There’s plenty of fun to be had in the good ol’ US of A. Road trips are a great way to experience our beautiful country the way our fore fathers did; very uncomfortably, surrounded by things and people that wish to do us harm. Buckle up! Here are some helpful tips for the road.

  • Do it on a Harley Davidson. All road trips are better on a chopper; that’s just a fact. Leather jacket on your back (buy a leather jacket), leather boots on your feet (buy some leather boots); this whole trip is basically a big “fuck you” to cows.
    Pro Tip: Grow your hair/beard out 4-5 months prior to your trip. This will make you look like a Son of Anarchy, and infinitely more badass. You might want to take up smoking as well, which will only serve to cultivate this new persona.
  • Pack snacks. “A man is nothing without dope ass snacks” – Meriwether Lewis and/or Clarke (unknown first name). You can be sure Lewis and Clarke had some great snacks when they first crossed our nation, so you’d better have some too! In fact, the original Clarke bar was named after the aforementioned Clarke. So make sure you’ve got that in your arsenal. Throw in some Fruit Roll-Ups, Pop-Tarts (Cinnamon Sugar Frosted only, none of that Blueberry bullshit), and Snickerdoodle’s Bars, and you’re starting to pack like a real pro.
  • Spend your nights outdoors. Sleep under the stars! Only Grade-A sissies sleep in hotels, especially when you’re on a road trip. Road trips are about consummating your relationship with nature. Not in a sexual way, per se, because that’s illegal and difficult (so I’ve heard). But nothing makes you feel more like a real man/woman than pitchin’ a tent under the sky. Again, not sexual.
  • Beware of wildlife. While sleeping outside is awesome, it’s also fraught with dangers. Wolves, tigers, and birds of pray roam our spectacular land, and all of them want to kill you dead. Gristly bears are especially dangerous. They are attracted to the food of men, and since you’ll be loaded with baller snacks (see above), they’ll be drawn right to you. Gristly bears also love fish, which is why I recommend taking 1-2 packages of delicious Gorton’s Fish Sticks (sponsored). They are wholesome and good for you, and any bear would love to get their hands on some. Just throw some of those bad boys into the woods far away from you, and you’ll be sittin’ pretty in your tent. Gorton’s, since 1849.

 

There you have it! I hope you take my helpful hints into account, and I hope this has helped you decide what you’re going to do with your time off in 2015. You can travel anywhere in the world if you really put your mind to it. Just remember, don’t go to Russia.

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