Tis the season! For holidays, that is! Haha it’s me Sean, otherwise known as your friendly neighborhood Pile of Cheese, here to give you some important tips on navigating this dark, treacherous, endlessly depressing most joyful time of year! Like everything else in my life, however, this list is negatively focused, so now you’ll know what “Not to Do” this Holiday Season and maybe avoid ruining everything again this year.
- Do NOT buy your dog/cat/bird/lizard/etc. anything for Christmas. They are animals and don’t give two craps about the Holidays. I mean, you could buy Fido a Christmas themed toy in June if you wanted and the idiot would chew on it or try to hump it like he does any of his other toys and your girlfriend’s leg without even caring about its color scheme or shitt festive design.
- Do NOT try to repack your Christmas lights for next year. They are literally dirt cheap and you can save yourself the hassle of looking for the one damn burnt-out bulb that’s ruining everything for the rest of the strand. I remember my childhood, when my dad would spend days stringing every strand across the basement, testing each and every one in an attempt to hunt down the culprit. The stream of cussing and cursing echoing through the vents rivaled that of the scene with the dad from A Christmas Story.
SPEAKING of A Christmas Story…
- Do NOT even try to talk down about “A Christmas Story”. Don’t even say one negative word about it. “A Christmas Story” is an amazing movie and I will fight you on this.
- Do NOT take the train home for the Holidays. Have you seen those inexplicably intense TV commercials? Trains are ALWAYS reliable according to those idiots. If you want to have any excuse for missing the torture festivities, you’re better off flying or driving or claiming your Uber driver never showed up.
- Do NOT TALK DOWN ABOUT “A CHRISTMAS STORY”.
- Do NOT bring your life home to your parents with you. Got a girlfriend? Special lady? Yeah? Don’t bring her home to meet your family. Aunt Ruth doesn’t give a crap about this year’s “fling,” as she’ll call her behind your back…Have your eyes been totally opened to the injustices of our government on the middle class, the corporate greed destroying our country, and blah blah blah? Great. Shut up. Shut up about it. Eat your ham dinner and open your stupid present and go to bed.
- Do NOT ruin anyone’s Christmas by telling them all about how there’s no Santa Claus because there IS a Santa Claus HE’S REAL, UNCLE JEFF, YOU J E R K. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU SUCK *ahem* sorry. Just don’t do that ok?
- Do NOT get your friends homemade gifts. That is unless it’s edible. And by edible I mean “edibles” because otherwise that’s a copout and you’ve ruined Christmas. Basically, by making something, you’ve said to your loved ones that “I won’t spend any real money on something you actually want but I’ll spend my own free time working really hard to make something that has sentimental val-”…Oh okay now I see why people do that. Please disregard this one.
So there you have it… This year’s top 8 list of What Not to Do this Holiday Season.
“Why didn’t he do a 12-item list, like the popular Christmas song?” you might be asking. “Or even just 10 items like most normal lists?” you might continue. Well, frick off is why. I hope you get coal in your stocking. Not even the real, useable coal but the coal gum that tastes like dying and colors your mouth black. Anyways Happy Horrordays Holidays don’t freeze to death!