The best thing science has ever given the human race was the flavors of fruit without all the bullshit of having to deal with actual fruit. And it’s easy to see why scientists put so much time and effort into creating synthetic fruit flavors: it’s because all fruit is stupid. To show you why this is true, I’ve created a list of popular fruits and detailed why each one sucks. I hope it’s enlightening.
Apple- First off, why are there like 3756 different types of apples? Sure, they all look different on the outside, but they all taste exactly the same on the inside. But this isn’t my biggest beef with apples. Nope, my problem is the blatant lies that apple farmers have spread. An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bullshit. My Uncle Garth ate one apple every day for 40 years and you know what happened to him? He got into a terrible car accident and spent 42 days in the hospital in a coma. Where were you apples for him then?
Bananas- I bought a banana on a whim the other day. Got home, set it on the counter and five seconds later it was literally a pile of brown mush. My wife was so horrified that she called the police.
Oranges- For starters, peeling an orange is the most strenuous physical labor I’ve ever done. And that’s saying something because I’ve worked in a coal mine my entire life. Secondly, if you ever do successfully peel an orange, the inside greets you with a sloppy, squishy mess tied together with what I can best describe as damp tampon strings. Gross.
Grapes- I’ve never eaten a grape because they are a severe choking hazard.
Pears- There is absolutely no such thing as a ripe pear. The phrase ‘ripe pear’ is an oxymoron. It’s either hard as a rock or like loose sand inside a dingy brown dress sock.
Figs- Not entirely convinced these are even real.
Blueberries- Way too small.
Watermelons- Way too big.
Strawberries, Raspberries, Blackberries- If I wanted a bunch of little seeds stuck in my teeth, I’d eat bird food.
Tomatoes- Tomatoes are not a fruit, no matter what you’ve heard. Anyone who tells you they are probably also thinks Pluto isn’t a planet. Idiots.
Grapefruit- what the hell
Lemons- I’m sick of life giving me these.
Limes- Might as well be called green lemons.
Cantaloupe- Sounds like a badass animal, but it’s not. Just some annoying ball that’s impossible to tell if it’s good or bad.
Mangoes- A pear but made up like a cheap hooker.
Kiwis- Looks like a turd rolled around in pubes and tastes like one too.
In conclusion, I hope I’ve helped you realize what a waste of time fruit is. Don’t spent your time or money on them. Go out and make something out of your life and let the stupid fruits rot in hell.’