Face it pal; man buns are in, and if your hair isn’t in a swirly hairy ball atop your skull, then sorry buster but you are OLD NEWS. But why? Why do girls love men with fuzzy spheres of hair on their heads, and persecute those without? Why do they burn our homes, and hurt our bodies with weapons, simply because of our hair length? I’m about to tell you dummy, calm down!
1) They contain jewels and secrets.
Man buns = power. The power of ancient deities and oracles, that is. Man buns are actually containers for ancient ritualistic gems. If you know the proper incantations, you can use a man bun to control the weather, command bear armies, grow enchanted crops… all the things that ladies really want.
2) They remind girls of orbs. Girls LOVE orbs.
Science has proven, time and time again, that the one thing no girl can resist is an orb. A glowing, powerful, ominous orb. Man buns look a lot like orbs, and this triggers attraction in the female brain. The studies can be found at http://orbattractioninfemales.sciencejournal/definitelyreal.org.
3) Bun rhymes with fun.
“Girls just wanna have fun.” Pre-Socratic philosopher Cyndi Lauper was responsible for coining many phrases central to modern Western thought, but none more significant than this one. Many of philosophy’s greatest minds have deconstructed this statement, attempting to define its true meaning. The widely accepted interpretation is that girls enjoy things that rhyme with fun. A bun, therefore, is something that girls inherently desire. Indeed, girls just wanna have bun. Check out the ongoing philosophical debate at http://cyndilauperphilosophy.realphilosophywebsite.net.
So, what are you waiting for dummy? Grow a man bun. You don’t even have to do anything. You just have to avoid cutting your hair, or having it ripped off by farm equipment, or stolen by your strange bald neighbour Gorphus who thinks he can make a wig out of someone else’s hair, but it actually just looks like gross hairs taped on his head. Why do you use Scotch tape, Gorphus? You idiot. You big dummy. Stop taking my hair.