Date didnt go well. He was very jaden
-U mean jaded?
"Any questions for me?"
-"How can mirrors be real if our eyes arent real"
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) February 11, 2015
Cosby intro.: This next guy is a true triple threat, actor, comic, serial rapist, please put his hands together in handcuffs, Bill Cosby.
— Laura Kightlinger (@KingKightlinger) February 11, 2015
Welcome to Natasha Bedingfield's Haunted House. FEEL THE BRAIN ON YOUR SKIN!
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) February 6, 2015
check out my new podcast where I clear my throat with famous dads
— Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) February 11, 2015
Violence is never the answer, unless you're asking me what I named my boat.
— vineyille (@vineyille) February 10, 2015
HOW TO MAKE A VALENTINE:
1. Get paper
2. Color paper red
3. It looks like bleeding paper
4. This used to be a living tree
5. We are monsters
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) February 11, 2015
People date assholes for the same reason I keep rewatching Ghostbusters: I know how it's going to end and it reminds me of my father.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) February 7, 2015
My mother's FAVORITE caretaker is here, so she only hid her purse on the ground floor.
— Andrés du Bouchet (@dubouchet) February 7, 2015
Brian Williams is an asshole for pretending he was a hero, while Allison Williams is a hero for pretending someone ate her asshole.
— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) February 8, 2015
Kanye already got everyone to stop talking about Bruce Jenner. That's a great son-in-law right there.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) February 9, 2015