Come to our Presidents' Day sale, we're going to push 7 futons into your mouth for only 9 dollars, idiot
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 16, 2015
WINTER FASHION TIP: GET CREATIVE WITH PATTERNS OF INCREASINGLY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) February 18, 2015
Everyone I went to high school with is dead, or maybe they're not. The point is I don't care
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) February 17, 2015
If you sprayed The Bachelor contestants with makeup remover they'd dissolve. All that'd be left was a pile of hair extensions and can't even
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) February 17, 2015
So are you a Jackie or a Marilyn or a full, multifaceted human who refuses to accept the whole madonna-whore construct of womanhood?
— Sarah (@thetigersez) February 16, 2015
I dont know the clinical term but I have all the bad feels and I want them to just stop it
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) February 16, 2015
If you're alone tonight it's not your fault it just means some small imperceptible part of you drives people away.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) February 14, 2015
When you get hired at the dildo factory, the first 3 days of training they just teach techniques for stifling giggles.
— Adam Wilson ★★☆☆☆ (@theleanover) February 17, 2015
Band-aids have 2 levels of adhesive strength:
1. Post-it covered in dog hair.
2. "I'll never let go, Jack."
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) February 14, 2015
Should I post a picture of my boobs or just tell everyone that my life hasn't turned out as I planned
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 17, 2015