guy in cafe: can you watch my laptop
me: can you hold my hand?
(we hold hands)
me: I can't watch your laptop
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) February 19, 2015
I consider myself a Chopped Champion because I turned 4 eggs, something salty and alcohol into 3 daughters and a son.
— roothakers (@ruthakers) February 25, 2015
PARKS AND WRECK MY HEART WHY DONT YOU
— Sean Brewster (@TheSeanBrewster) February 25, 2015
Pretty cool how all the women in Playboy now were born in years I can vividly remember. It's great. I'm totally fine with that. For sure.
— bae arthur (@proudyogadad) February 25, 2015
Book pitch: After my mom died & marriage failed, I didn’t go on an exotic trip or long ass hike I just had to continue my life & get thru it
— Sara ❄ Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) February 25, 2015
The Venn diagram of men who say women take too long to get ready and men who ask if you're sick when you're not wearing makeup is a circle.
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) November 20, 2014
If Thor is a woman, what's next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 15, 2014
The first question when you meet someone should be "are you into homeopathic medicine and talking about this subject exclusively"
— Courtney Nunes (@courtney_nunes) February 24, 2015
What were Chick Fil-A's other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 10, 2014