Some Movies I Recommend by @PostCultRev

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“The Abyss”

This one is about some underwater oil drillers who get trapped because of a storm. And there are aliens or something. And some military guys, one of whom gets pressure sickness and becomes a super villain (I believe this is a common side effect of pressure sickness). There are also some robots and a mouse that breaths under water. And Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s boobs (though not in a sexy way). I believe that’s a complete list of things that appear in this movie. It’s the perfect film for fans of elongated, telekinetic water phallus or brief glimpses of pale drowned corpse tits. There is such a group of fans. I’ve been to their convention. It was a bad scene.

The Road Warrior”

This is the sequel to the film “Mad Max.” I believe “Mad Max” is subtitled “The One That Came Before ‘The Road Warrior’ That No One Watches.” There is a third film in the series, which I believe is called “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome: The One Everyone References But No One Watches Because It’s Only Semi-Decent.” “The Road Warrior” takes place in a post-nuclear-war world were gas is scarce but everyone drives all the time because they all live in Australia and if they stood still for too long they would be devoured by snakes. Do not watch this movie while drunk on the Amtrak. They will take it away from you.

“The Fugitive”

This one is about a man accused of murdering his wife, but she was actually murdered by a hired killer with one arm (which strikes me as a poor choice for a hired killer, but that’s just my opinion). The accused man apparently has a very shitty lawyer and he goes to prison, but then escapes and tries to clear his name doing all the stuff his useless lawyer should have done. He’s hunted by Tommy Lee Jones, who plays Tommy Lee Jones doing exactly what I imagine Tommy Lee Jones does on his weekends, i.e. shout a lot and hunt people. The film eventually takes you to Hollywood Chicago, which is a lot like real Chicago, but more iconic.

“Predator”

This has an alien that hunts future state governors for sport in the jungle. It’s an incredibly macho movie, full of body builders, ex-porn stars, former Navy SEALS, explosions, mini guns, improvised jungle booby traps, grunting, and an alien with dreadlocks. This film has a beard and a substantially large penis. It has a penis that grew a beard and became a lumberjack who hunts humans for sport on the weekend. This movie is Tommy Lee Jones’ penis. I could go on like this for an extended period, but eventually the police would tell me to stop.

“The Exorcist”

In this movie, a young girl is possessed by the Devil, who makes her puke on things, wet her pants in public and eventually turns her skin blotchy and has her swear a lot and slam doors. Essentially, she goes through the life cycle of your average child in a matter of weeks. Eventually, a couple of priests played by Max von Sydow and some other guy yell at her until the Devil leaves. Max von Sydow had a career that spanned from Ingmar Bergman’s “The Seventh Seal,” an artful meditation on death and religious fervor, to “Strange Brew” with Rick Moranis, which I believe dealt with many of the same themes.

These are all the movies I know about. Thank you for your time.

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