How to Politely Excuse Yourself From an Orgy by @pleatedjeans

We’ve all been there: maybe we’re sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office or enjoying a nice party at a friend’s house. Then, we look up from our magazine or come back from getting some more punch and BAM – an orgy has broken out.

Your friends or fellow patients, being the nice people that they are, invite you to join them. However, for whatever reason (maybe the punch upset your stomach or you’re still tired from that other orgy you just came from), you’re just not in the mood. Or, perhaps you decide to join the orgy, knowing full well that you’re going to have to leave early because of a scheduling conflict.

Whatever the case, here’s how to politely excuse yourself from an orgy without causing a wave of disappointed faces to break out among the sea of naked people laid out before you:

Acknowledge the Generosity of the Invitation

Showing gratitude for an invitation to join an orgy is the first step in gracefully bowing out. As such, the first course of action is to thank the throng of people for offering to pull you into the pile. When turning down an offer for sex with multiple partners, examples of good ways to start include:

  • You all look very skilled in the arts of carnal pleasure, however…
  • I appreciate you thinking of me as a sexual object, but…
  • Your thrusting pelvises look very enticing, unfortunately…

Give an Honest Excuse When Possible

Naturally, people find it hard to believe that anyone would willingly decline an invitation to partake in a marathon of sexual escapades with a room full of people he or she hardly knows (that’s just good, old fashioned fun). For this reason, it is important to give an honest excuse for why you feel you can’t join in. For example, if you need to pick up your kids from soccer practice, then relay this to the group. Likely, the bundle of bodies below you will understand that you’d rather not show up to the soccer field with sweaty, matted hair or covered in lubricant.

However, in some cases it may be best to tell a little white lie to preserve the feelings of that naked rugby huddle. For example, perhaps some of the people in the orgy are just too fat or ugly for your sexual preferences. If so, you might want to lie and say something like, “I’m in a committed relationship with my spouse” (hopefully they’ll buy that). Or, if you are mid-orgy, you might consider faking an orgasm to help wrap things up.

Don’t Give in to Guilt Trips

Persistent orgy-ists might try to guilt you into staying against your wishes. Common guilt trips include:

  • But we need someone to fill that gap in the huddle over there
  • You never want to do anything I want to do
  • Ricky needs a spotter
  • Without you there will be an uneven number of orifices

If phrases such as these are uttered, stick to your guns and continue to politely decline. Remind the friend or stranger that there will be plenty of other orgies in the future for you to join in on. Then, delicately remove yourself from the room. If you feel that you left the orgy on shaky ground, consider sending a thank-you note to those involved for extending the invitation. Then, express how much you are looking forward to the next time you can all rub up against each other in a sexual manner.

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