My name is Dr. Arnold T. Gargus. It is currently 2130 hours EST on the 24th of February, 2015.
Earlier this afternoon I was walking along a local seaside beach, and I discovered what I believe to be the body of some sort of alien life form. I could tell from a brief inspection that it was no longer alive. Perhaps something in our atmosphere was poisonous to the creature, or it sustained fatal injuries when it crashed its spacecraft, which presumably sunk into the ocean.
I hope to discover the cause of the alien’s demise with an autopsy, which I am currently about to commence.
Initial impressions – The alien is 20.2 cm in length, weighing 347 grams. It lacks upper or lower extremities, or anything we would recognize as facial features. It does not appear to have any orifices, save one large opening at what I’ve determined is it’s posterior end.
It is uncertain whether the slight protrusion at the “head” end is a natural feature of it’s anatomy, or the result of a blow from a blunt object. Possible cause of death.
I am now using a scalpel to make an incision in its translucent, elastic skin, down the length of it’s cylindrical body. Slight raised ridges are noted along the sides, perhaps demarking the location of vestigial ribs.
The inside of the jellyfish-like body is filled a pearlescent, viscous fluid, reminiscent of…
It’s jizz. Oh goddammit, this a used condom, isn’t it? Fucking college kids alw-