The Definitive Blowjob Advice List by @SirEviscerate @somecleverthing @CakeThrottle and @DaveDittell

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Everyone knows what a mysterious, complicated thing a penis is, and how difficult it is to make a man have an orgasm. No man would ever have climaxed if internet advice lists had not been written.

Here is another one, so the special man in your life can finally ejaculate after all these years.

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Do NOT bite his dick off.

Do NOT hate it.

DO build trust by gently writing your ATM code on the shaft of his penis with the tip of your tongue.

Do NOT use his dick as a microphone.

Do NOT make clothes for it without his express consent.

Do NOT hide spider eggs in his pubes, that’s not sexy ladies.

DO ask your man during a blowjob “Does this feel good, does it make you forget just for a moment that we all die alone?”

A man likes a bit of stabbing with a fork down there.

Gently rake the penis with corn cob holders.

DO smear his dick with hot nacho cheese. Dip his balls into spicy salsa.

DO use his dick to replace the weight of a golden Idol in an ancient tomb.

In winter, place a plastic bag around his dick to keep it dry in the snow.

Glue googly eyes on that fucker. Use gorilla glue.

Definitely literally blow. Do nothing but blow until you pass the fuck out. Your face and his dick should be the same shade of purple. Hold up a picture of Grimace and stop blowin’ when it’s that purple.

NEVER GIVE UP. EVEN IF IT IS CLEAR NO ONE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME. DO. NOT. STOP. NEVER STOP. YOUR MOUTH IS A VOID FOR HIS HOLY ROD.

Inject saline right into his dick with a large syringe if he goes soft.

If you gag and vomit, try to spit it down into his peehole so you don’t ruin the mood 😉

And, of course, stay hydrated. Water is your friend.

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