Everyone’s been there: you get 5 months into a relationship only to discover your man’s double paws and one too many regurgitated hairballs. Here are a few signs to catch it sooner than later:
- He actually cleans himself, albeit publicly and in an awkward manner.
- He’s a good listener: he doesn’t try to solve your problem. In fact he never solves anything.
- Instead of fellatio, he asks for a belly rub, then bites you.
- He likes tickling to a certain threshold, then bolts out of the room.
- During a movie, he curls up in your lap and licks his junk. And he can reach.
- The safe word is always MRRROOOOWWWWW.
- He gives you the cold shoulder until he’s hungry. Then he’s Mr. Husband Material with ample affection, eye contact, and even communication. Classic user.
- He must be an Audubon member, what with his face against the glass.
- Impressive flexibility despite skipping those yoga classes he agreed to take with you.
- He doesn’t need glasses yet sits uncomfortably close to your computer. Like on the keyboard.
- He’s not just lazy about chores, he flees the vacuum with an infinite panic as if you’d tickled him.
Certain misleading signs, however, are perfectly normal for male homo sapiens. Don’t be fooled:
Red Herrings & False Positives
- Gratuitous hair. Yes, that much.
- Eats the same food every day by rote.
- Totally untrainable. When it seems you’ve made progress, he’s actually trained you.
- Sleeps soundly overnight and also all day.
- Obsessed with lasers at the expense of literally any conversation or activity, much to your guests’ chagrin.
- Aloof/stinkeye combination.
- Inarticulate — instead he paws at you for attention.
If it turns out your beau is indeed feline, don’t stress, it’s probably better this way. Cats don’t leave the litter lid up or mansplain about tomcat rights. And would a bipedal man-child wear boots and a tux every day?