We’ve all seen dragons, right? Ferocious, fire-breathing, large, sexy, long-haired, scaly, cardigan-wearing legendary monsters of the sky? Of course you have. They’re neat and spiffy, like the knights who’ve faced them typically say.
But there are a lot of OTHER things about dragons that no one bothered to find out. And you know what? That hurts the feelings of those poor little draggie waggies. So let’s fix this and make this right. Without further ado, ten unknown facts about dragons that’ll BLOW. YOUR. DAMN. MIND.
1) They invented the ethernet cord. So yeah, thank them for your college internet in the pre-wireless days, you ungrateful bozos.
2) They also invented square dancing, but after eating countless cowboys and inadvertently burning down barns LIKE RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF SWINGING YOUR PARD’NER, they had to leave that one to us humanfolk.
3) They actually PREFER Pepsi. It’s fucked up. Just leave it at that. If I had taken my own advice, I’d still have my left arm.
4) Dragon poop is actually used in most Bath & Body Works products. That soft, melon-scented skin cream you have? Yep. Dragon poop.
5) Dragons were invented in 1952 by Goethe Von Der Dragonstein, when he gave his salamander a mix of Monster energy drink and..um…some other stuff. I forget. HEY BUDDY, YOU GO ASK THEM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE RISKS I TOOK COLLECTING THIS LIST, YOU LITTLE SONO–
6) Bon Iver songs make them horny. No, seriously. It’s fucked up.
7) 1980’s hair metal bands feathered their hair to look like fiery dragons, but unfortunately they all ended up looking like a melted sephora stuck between a Supercuts and a cheap S&M store.
8) When no one’s looking, they enjoy playing their tails like a guitar.
9) All dragons root for the same sports teams: The Orioles, The Utah Jazz, and The St. Louis Blues. That’s it. They find any team with ‘Dragon’ in their name to be shameful pandering.
10) They all claim that “they’re such a Samantha.” I think they’re Carrie’s, but whatever.
Thank you for reading. I hope you use these facts to help strengthen future relationships with these magnificent beasts.