Energy Drink by @ElleOhHell

Pardon me, madam, but you seem to be a lady of discerning taste!

Uh, I’m a little busy right n–

Nonsense, never too busy to try the world’s newest and most exciting energy drink!

That’s an energy drink?

That’s right, madam, the Hollywood secret is out!

But it looks like a can of–

The hippest young stars can’t get enough of the stuff! Blane Shailey, Shane Bailey, and even Melanie Griffith herself are at my warehouse practically every week to buy another quart or gallon of the stuff.

Right, it looks like a can of paint.

A marketing ploy! But clearly you’re too clever to be won over by some cheap stunt devised by those fat cats in the advertising game. And did I mention that this particular variety contains VERY powerful tooth-whitening agents?

Because it’s paint?

Ha ha, energy drink madam. It contains extracts of the Hevea brasiliensis tree, a secret treasure from the Orient! Of course its primary ingredient is water, but it contains several powerful additives such as flavor enhancers, flow modifiers, emulsificants, and UV absorbers.

Hm. Melanie Griffith, you say?

Now of course it can stain a little, so once you pry open the lid, I recommend using a straw or dropcloth. As with this or any legitimate drink, be careful! Pour it over a tall glass of ice and pop an umbrella in there, its 100% pure additives reduce the freezing point substantially! But not to worry, this particular energy drink has been thoroughly tested by the Food and Drug Administration.

Did it pass?

Haha, another excellent question! Normally you can’t buy this product from your local grocer, which is why I’m standing in this very parking lot and interfacing with potential clientelle on a more peer-to-peer level. The days of trading with faceless monolithic mega-corporations are numbered!

What does it taste like?

This? Haha, this can is available in–let me just get a good look at the label–Valspar flavor. Which, as you know, is a variety of…vanilla bean. It’s also available in pumpkin spice! And I have three cans of blue.

Uh, all right. How much is it?

Prices start at only $3.00!

Ok. I’ll have a can of the tooth whitening and a can of pumpkin spice.

All right, now those particular flavors are slightly more sought after so the price will naturally reflect that.

Oh, ok.

Eggshell or gloss?

Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebookshare on TumblrShare on RedditPin on Pinterest