welcome to fleetwood mcdonalds, where we sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries
— porky piss 2017 (@ramenfuneral) March 3, 2015
Every time I feel unproductive, I remember that someone somewhere prayed today.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 2, 2015
Putting "Los" in front of NBA team names feels as condescending as asking anyone you think may be Latino for "agua."
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) March 1, 2015
Feel bad? Overhear any stranger's conversation. Within a minute you'll be like "Holy shit… I'm probably a genius"
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) March 1, 2015
mostly I spend my time sitting on a bench at the mall hoping someone will think I'm their boyfriend or dad and briefly, mistakenly love me
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 1, 2015
Sorry i chewed gum & rolled my eyes at the ceremony where you celebrated adding the government to ur relationship
— dr. dalia fuckface ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) February 28, 2015
In episode 7 of House of Cards season 3, Kevin Spacey turns to the camera and says, "Get up and walk around so you don't get blood clots."
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) February 28, 2015
Sometimes I don't respond to e-mails because we're all just dust.
— patrick carlyle (@pscarlyle) February 28, 2015
A show like The Voice, except you have to judge the singers without being able to see their sob stories.
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) March 4, 2015
I'd like rappers to get really into Victorian era shit like mesmerism or fainting and having their crew revive them with smelling salts
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) March 3, 2015