“Smooth” move, Rob Thomas by @hardlyrelevant

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Many of you are familiar with the Rob Thomas smash hit, “Smooth.”  Written from Rob’s point of view, it’s a tale of love, lust, and heartbreak, presumably involving a woman of such breathtaking beauty as to be worthy of this incredible ballad.  Well, it’s not.  This song is indeed a tale of love, lust, and heartbreak; but not about a woman.  Believe it or not, “Smooth” details Rob Thomas’ love for the sultry, smooth taste of Creamy JIF Peanut Butter.

Man, it’s a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
Well, I hear you whispering the words that melt everyone
But you stay so cool

My munequita
My Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa
You’re my reason for reason
The step in my groove

Rob starts the song off by setting the scene.  It’s hot.  So hot, in fact, that he feels as if he’s ‘seven inches from the midday sun.’  I don’t know that anybody could imagine something that hot, but if anybody can, it’s probably Rob Thomas.  When he sings ‘I hear you whispering the words that melt everyone’, he’s clearly referencing himself.  He’s standing in front of a mirror, whispering sweet nothings to his tub of Creamy JIF.  If anybody could ‘stay so cool’ while performing such an outlandish act, it’s Rob.

Rob then says a gibberish word, ‘munequita.’  At this point in the song, Rob couldn’t help himself and ate a big spoonful of Creamy JIF while in the recording studio.  I can’t blame him, and frankly I’m astonished he made it this far into the song before indulging.  He tried to keep singing through the JIF, but all he could manage was munequita.  He goes on to claim that it is his ‘reason for reason’; implying that without Creamy JIF Peanut Butter, Rob Thomas would actually go insane.

And if you said this life ain’t good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
‘Cause you’re so smooth

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
It’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it

The chorus drips of raw emotion.  I believe this was written during a time when Rob found himself without his favorite savory snack.  ’I would give my world to lift you up’ was written by a man desperate to prove his devotion.  I don’t know how much the ocean loves the moon, but it must be a shit ton, because ‘it’s the same as the emotion that’ Rob gets from Creamy JIF.

‘You’ve got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah’ is an interesting line.  An urban legend claims that Rob Thomas smears Creamy JIF on his privates and has his two dogs, Basil and Neptune, lick the Peanut Butter off; until now, this was unfounded.  I believe that with this line Rob is admitting this to all of us, and in doing so admitting his undying love for the smooth texture and roasted nut flavor of Creamy JIF.

I’ll tell you one thing
If you would leave, it’d be a crying shame
In every breath and every word
I hear your name calling me out

Out from the barrio
You hear my rhythm on your radio
You feel the turning of the world so soft and slow
Turning you round and round

Here, Rob attempts to envision a world without his peanut butter.  Maybe he’s on a diet or something, or maybe he gave it up for Lent.  He would cry, probably like a little baby, which Rob Thomas has never done in his entire life.  ‘In every breath and every word’, Rob Thomas would be haunted by its absence.  Creamy Peanut Butter is Rob Thomas’ drug, and this song leaves no doubt; he’s hooked.

It’s common knowledge that Rob Thomas microwaves his Peanut Butter as a personal preference.  The tail end of this verse is an ode to the Creamy JIF rotating ‘round and round’ in his microwave; I like to think it’s probably the most raw and personal lyric Rob has ever penned in his life.

And if you said this life ain’t good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
‘Cause you’re so smooth

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
It’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
It’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it

The song fades out with that soulful Rob Thomas croon.  ‘Gimme your heart, make it real or else forget about it.’  Can man and treat truly be one?  If I was a betting man, I’d put money on Rob Thomas to find out.

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