Person paying $4 for a cup of coffee on a continent that's rapidly being consumed by the ocean: "A TEENAGER SPELLED MY NAME WRONG"
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) March 11, 2015
So you're a woman on social media who… says words? Haha. I don't get it. By words do you mean pictures of you? I'm a pilgrim
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 10, 2015
he was all "let me drink too much of this liquid & navigate the world of objects w less grace"
— retsoor (@retsoor) September 26, 2014
PRO TIP: Call out of work bc of “family matters” and just watch that one episode where Urkel becomes Stefan. BOOM day off and u didn’t lie!
— Samantha Martin (@HiMyNameSam) March 12, 2015
The best explanation of "infinity" is: "How long Adam Levine would spend explaining his tattoos if given the chance."
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 11, 2015
I prefer indoor voices everywhere.
— Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) March 6, 2015
Just got a whiny, passive-aggressive, 3 pg letter from a professional man shaming me for something beyond my control so I just answered 'k'.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) March 10, 2015
Whenever I'm down and need a pick me up I'll brush my teeth cause it's like, my god look at all that blood
— Paul Palmeri (@ThisPaul) March 11, 2015
The hurtful Power Point going around about me is the most hurtful Power Point I've seen please stop sharing the hurtful Power Point about me
— (((Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 11, 2015
My agent says I should "network" at parties instead of "standing in a corner hissing 'Hey. You. Wanna know what childbirth is really like'?"
— Annabel Oakes (@annabeloakes) March 10, 2015