A Guide to Remaining Unlovable by @tappanmoore

This spring, don’t just half-heartedly seek love. Be an active participant in the next iteration of crushing loneliness and resentful compromise. You may already be oblivious, but follow these guidelines to become truly insufferable.

– Remember that you would be happier if Madison had just made the effort that one time, you know? Her laissez-faire communication (or lack thereof, am I right?) is torpedoing your love boat. If she just changed, everything would be fine.

– Continue applying passive aggression to all relationships. Do not limit this to romantic partners, but especially punish Dave for his lack of clairvoyance and his need for space. Withhold sex as well as civil mundaneness. If he loved you, he would spend every moment with you. “I can’t believe you didn’t comfort me! That’s so mean, you asshole!”

– Begrudge Amanda’s post-work venting. I mean, how can anyone even talk at such a rate, let alone the recipient hear himself think? She’s not even saying anything, bro; she should get to the point and simmer down. Pretend to be supportive for weeks — you wouldn’t want to be rude — but deeply resent it. Be sure to explode during an unrelated conversation. This is important.

– Bring up the past. Do not forgive. Tyler was a meanie-head that day and he deserves retribution. Keep score of who’s done more damage; be sure to even it up, just to show him. That d-bag won’t know what hit him. Profess your eternal love after a long, cathartic fight. Promise to be honest and patient in the future. Repeat this process verbatim.

– Learn nothing from your mistakes. Attribute them to your “batshit cray” partners. Blame freely. Do not look inward or ask how to improve next time — that’s the seat of weakness and shame. Disregard the possibility of introspection immediately, before doubt could mount. If we allow fault into our periscope of awareness, surely someone would ask that we Work On Ourselves. Whatever, loser.

– Most of all, play the victim card every time you perceive a negative. Simultaneously reject others before they can hurt you.

With these guidelines, you’ll be perpetuating the American dating scene in no time! Good luck out there, and remember: just talk over people, louder and louder, until they listen.

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