Lirba: Your hair is a mess, but you’re trying to make it a “thing.” You run into your ex later in the month, which turns into a money making opportunity when you steal his wallet after being inspired by that new Will Smith movie.
Trashus: Like the name suggests, you are human garbage. Your parents regret having you, but what are they gonna do about it? You can’t return babies. And you’re not a baby anymore. Wouldn’t that be weird though— a literate baby? Wow. Just think about it. Well, actually don’t, cause I don’t want you to steal this idea. I’m gonna make a movie about it. Maybe just like smart babies who can talk to each other and plan crimes and shit. Fuck. That’s Baby Geniuses isn’t it?
Scorpion: Everyone knows that you made out with Keith in the bed of a pickup truck last month behind the Del Taco on 3rd. Literally everyone. And we’ve all been talking about it. Kendra is gonna tell his girlfriend soon cause she’s been sleeping with Keith too. Just a heads up.
Candycorn: You make a sensible purchase on the 8th that leads to a huge life shift by the middle of the month. It’s a vibrator. Buy a vibrator. They are excellent. A happy vag is a happy…life.
Sartarian: You are vibrant and adored. People see your boobs and want to nap on them. I know I do. They are a nice pair of boobs. I don’t really know anything about your personality, but that’s a nice rack. Sorry for objectifying you.
Virgin: Your money is tied up in Japanese markets which will come back to haunt you on the 16th. Not to be a controlling bitch like your financial planner Julio, but maybe cut your loses? Just a thought. Your love life takes a dip on the 30th when your boyfriend’s mom dies and he can’t get over it. Ugh. It’s like move on.
Cancer: Maybe this is the month you finally get cancer.
Lilo: You get caught in an avalanche on the 4th, which kinda serves you right for all the times you’ve complained about being chilly because you refuse to wear a sensible jacket. Layers are important.
Amphibian: After drunken karaoke on the 16th, your boss sees more potential in you and decides to give you the Gershwin account, although you totally blow that when the two of you travel to Chicago and you get food poisoning from too many Hooters wings.
Airs: Your asthma gets worse in the coming months and your mother cuts you out of her will in favor of her beloved Pomeranians and your second cousin Randall who she’s been trying to set you up with for ages.
Jimandi: Stop trying so hard.
Pieces: Biology isn’t everything. Try not to be too upset when your mother admits that she found you on the street. Everyone has known for years. Cheer up! At least she took you in! Be careful with money this month cause you’re probably gonna be drinking A LOT after that revelation.