The Antisocial Olympics by @chrisblex


Charlton: Thank you and welcome back to the Antisocial Olympics. I’m Charlton O’HannahMontannaHan and inside me is my co-announcer Mike Grabowski.

Mike: I think you mean “alongside”, Charlton.

Charlton: Haha, just some wishful thinking, Mike. Anyway, we’ve had some bloody outstanding competition thus far and I think we’re in for some more today.

Mike: Yes sir, there have been hermits, shut-ins, cat ladies, recluses, loners, introverts, pariahs, trolls, lone wolfs, misanthropes and the occasional jilted Elijah Wood. And boy, have they been antisocial!

Charlton: Indeed, but two challengers in particular have really stood above the rest. I’m speaking of course about Chad Bagwell of America and Ivanna Licanus of Belarus.

Mike: You betcha, Charlton. Ivanna was the consensus favorite going in and she has really proven her ability to alienate herself throughout this competition. She really outdid herself when she started singing Kate Bush while plucking her bush hairs during the Food Ordering Challenge. I got flashes of the 85 Bears when she did that.

Charlton: A truly remarkable feat! But let us not forget Chad Bagwell, who came into this contest as a relative unknown. He started slow, but really distinguished himself during the Crowded Bus event when he cocooned himself in a blanket and was miraculously able to wedge himself behind the brake pedal of the bus, thereby endangering the lives of all aboard.

Mike: Sometimes you have to kill people if you want to be alone.

Both: Hahahahahaha!

Charlton: Right you are, Mike.

Mike: Anywhooo, I think we off to our fan favorite competition: the Loner Free for All.

Charlton: This an historic event. 20 contestants from 20 countries all in one room, all not talking with one another and interacting as little as humanly possible. It can be rather savage, don’t you think?

Mike: Ohhh sure, it’s gonna be as unsocial as eating a deep dish pizza alone on a Saturday night with no toppings and no beer either. This is the true proving ground for loners. We’ve had some memorable matches over the years, eh Charlton?

Charlton: Mike, if you only knew how I…

Mike: Like remember that time Klaus Brieman paid people to kidnap him and lock him in a room? All so he wouldn’t have to interact with anyone?

Charlton: (cough)…(throat clear)…of course…He would have won the gold that year, but he hasn’t been seen since.

Mike: Well, looks like they’re ready to get things going down there.

Charlton: Yes, the contestants are all taking their positions now. Each person staring away from one another in a circle. When the referee blows his whistle un-sociability will be the name of the game…..And they’re off!

Mike: Looky here at Brian of Canada. He’s running to the corner, getting into the fetal position, and sucking his thumb! An old school tactic and one that is sure to creep out just about everyone.

Chartlon: Too true, Mike. Unfortunately I think we’re going to need to see a bit more creativity from him if he really hopes to make some headway in this event. Ahh, but look here! Kefilwe of South Africa, she is pulling out something from her pockets. Bloody hell! It’s lye! She’s blinding herself!

Mike: What technique! What grace! And the judges are loving it!

Charlton: Wait a minute…Ohh dear, it seems that Daiki of Japan is going over to her! He’s asking her if she is okay! This is truly a terrible turn of events.

Mike: You hate to see human compassion get in the way of glory, Charlton.

Charlton: I very much doubt they will be able to overcome the huge point deficit incurred.

Mike: Now look at this, Pierre of France is getting naked. And boy does he have an erection!

Charlton: Monsieur throbbing member is true to form, Mike. Wait, what’s this?! He is pulling out some kind of bottle. Great Scot! It’s Viagra and he’s taking the whole bottle!

Mike: That’s about as much Viagra as it took for me to have sex with my ex-wife.

Both: Hahahahaha!

Charlton: (Puts hand to ear piece) I’m being contacted by one of our analysts. According to her, Pierre took roughly 45 pills which calculates to approximately a 22.5 hour erection. That’s well beyond the purview of this event. I know what I’ll be doing after all this is over…

Mike: I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about, but that’s okay, Charlton. Wait, it seems like Ivanna is making her move. She’s pulling out something from her fanny pack. Ohh dear, it’s a knife! She’s making her way over to Pierre and, oh my god, she is cutting his dick off! What quick thinking! Ivanna sure is something special.

Charlton: Deranged, misanthropic, and eastern European, Ivanna has all the trappings of a champion. The event is not over yet, though, and things are getting rather chippy out there, wouldn’t you say?

Mike: Well, Ivanna is waving around the vivisected dick of another competitor, so yes I would say it is definitely chippy out there. Goy of Bolivia is adding to the tension by screaming about how all DJs are fascist and how computer companies make viruses so people will buy more computers.

Charlton: A shrewd competitor indeed, Mike. Nobody wants to hear his boring rants, even if he does have a point about that last one.

Mike: We have yet to see anything out of Chad Bagwell of America, Charlton. He is running out of time; if he is going to make a move it had better be soon.

Charlton: I think you may have spoken too soon, you sweet piece of man. It appears as if Chad is pulling out his smart phone. He’s doing something with it. He’s holding it up. Can we get a close up of the phone?

Mike: Ohh gosh, Chad seems to have hacked Facebook! He’s shutting it down! Ohh the humanity! How the fuck am I going to share Mike Ditka quotes with the world now?!

Charlton: Truly remarkable. Chad is so antisocial that he would prevent other people from interacting with one another, let alone himself. An historic play by the young upstart.

Mike: And that’s the game. We go now to the judges.

Charlton: Looks like there is some serious deliberation going on. A regular row, innit?

Mike: I have no idea what that means.

Charlton: And we have a consensus! Ivanna takes the gold, Chad takes the silver, and Pierre the bronze.

Mike: Ohh boy, what an event! Up next are the heats for the 500 meter human neglect sprint. Stay tuned!

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