I am rubber and you are glue, and the fact that we have both achieved sentience is very crazy.
— Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) April 15, 2015
If I made the baskets on Chopped, I would go really easy on the chefs then hit them hard with a twist: Chicken, Broccoli, Soup, a Bike.
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) April 15, 2015
At what age do you figure out what to do with your arms while you sleep?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 14, 2015
funny how food boxes say "open other end" like I'm not just going to punch my fist into it wherever like a giant who's never eaten before
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 16, 2015
Your girlfriend doesn't like sex? Have you tried zero foreplay and then jackhammering her for 60 seconds?
— Chillary Bluntin (@fightforfood) April 14, 2015
Sometimes I pretend I'm a cop. I know it's against the law, but that's just because I know the penal code.
— Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) April 16, 2015
the human compulsion to dance is an evolutionary instinct that encouraged neanderthals to move when they heard rockslides
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 17, 2015
why do we all want food and men that are bad for us
— Hutch Harris (@thethermals) April 16, 2015