Alright, settle down. Welcome to your first day of World History here at East Trenton Community College. My name is Mr. McBryar. Ordinarily I’d be teaching physical education, but no one enrolled in my hot yoga/bowling class, and the usual history instructor is puking his balls off in the lounge bathroom from some bad tapas he had earlier.
It says here I’m supposed to teach you about Marie Antoinette. Now, I don’t have any formal history education per se, and haven’t prepared a lesson plan, so I’m just gonna do this on the fly.
When you think of Marie Antoinette, you think of 3 things:
- She was beheaded
- She had huge hair
- She coined the phrase “You can’t fuck your cake and eat it, too”
Marie Antoinette was the queen of Russia in the late 15th century B.C. She — please put your hands down, I’ll answer questions when the lecture is over. Ahem. As I was saying, she was super into fucking cakes.
It was all said to have started one night at a grand banquet in St. Petersburg, also the spring training home of the Minnesota Twins. After a long night of dinner, drinks and dancing, dessert was served. Upon seeing it, Miss Antoinette was rumored to have stood and declared, “Oh, Imma fuck dat cake”.
The tradition continued for centuries. One of the most significant moments occurred on the final night of the Russian Revolution. Having defeated the French, soldier and civilian alike participated in the most widespread cake-fucking in world history. The celebration became so involved that, when all the cakes had been fucked beyond recognition, the Russians began fucking pies, tarts and even a couple Vatican guards.
Winston Churchill, angered after months of trying to pound his dick into a blueberry scone, declared war on Russia. All of this cake-fucking eventually led to the fall of communism. Even today, the Russian people are forced to wait for days in line for their chance to fuck an ordinary loaf of rye bread.
In 1974, Marie Antoinette was tried for her crimes against confectionery (and also triple vehicular manslaughter) and sentenced to death by guillotine. On Christmas Day, she was was led handcuffed to the stage of the Ed Sullivan show, where she bravely shouted her last words: “Suck it, jabronis!”
When the guillotine’s blade beheaded poor Marie, the cake fucking paraphernalia she always hid in her wig scattered everywhere. A torte-pegging strap-on reportedly took out Sammy Davis, Jr.’s eye.