Thoughts about my second open mic ever by @ASpiker


•Introduce yourself to the host. SHIT. Sorry. She literally said that. Can’t you listen to directions?

•Get there earlier to sign up. No, earlier than that. What kind of amateur idiot are you? You’re 24th out of 25.

•You should have written more.

•No, more than that.

•You’re going to be fine!


•Wow, 25 4 minute sets is a long time. 

•I’m thirsty.

•Oh you think you can just come in here and do your set and then leave?

•Oh my god, you can do that, people are totally doing that.

•Why do 90% of these comics have beards and hoodies?

•Is this a cult?

•Stop being an asshole about the Portland male comic aesthetic, that’s not even a funny joke.

•It is kind of funny though…

•You’re going to suck; what are you doing here?

•Did I leave the oven on?

•Ok wow that was a good joke. Oh my god I don’t have good jokes, his jokes are way better. What was his name again?


•Ok…there are some Lawrence Ferlinghetti types here who read free association poetry so that’s a thing I guess. 

•Stop thinking about other people.

•You’re so judgmental

•Hey that’s my name


•Holy crap these lights are bright.

•Wow, how lucky, they can see me but I don’t have to see their terribly disappointed faces. 

•Are they laughing out of pity?

•I hope I look good in this light.

•Did I put lipstick on? Wait, this is about my words, screw society’s ideals about how a woman should present herself.

•Seriously though, am I wearing mascara

•Wow words are still coming out of my mouth.

•Keep going, no one cares, they’re all drunk.

•Seriously, no one cares. Literally everyone is watching or tweeting about Game Of Thrones.

•Why is that one random lady so loud, why is she here? Please stop. 

•Oh man, I am actually still talking and I totally do not have an end for this bit.

•Don’t say out loud, oh! Thanks for the 1 minute light; be cool you literally know this is part of the gig, pretend you know.

•Oh god three people clapped, get down get out!

•Wait I liked having my word diarrhea in the amplifying phallic cord thing.

•What have I done? 

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