So you LOVE watching television, huh? I bet you do, idiot. When was the last time you loved watching a book? You called up all of your buddies to rave about Vince Gilligan’s latest romp around Albuquerque, but did you mention these six things? Nope, you probably missed them. You know what else you don’t realize you missed? Your mother. Did you call her, too? Didn’t think so.
1. “NOT EXACTLY A DAY AT THE BEACH!”
After a close brush with death in the New Mexico desert, Jimmy returns to town with a thousand tiny trophies – you guessed it! (because you’d never say with certainty, doofus) – SAND in his shoe!
Our intrepid lawyer had to walk around ALL DAY wondering how the dang stuff got there! Who could forget when he halted a court proceeding to infamously quip, “Oh yeah, I was in the desert. Not exactly a day at the beach!”
2. “SLIPPIN’ JIMMY’S SLIPPIN’ FINGERS!”
Remember how Jimmy hyped himself up with his trademark, “Showtime!” and jazz hands? Well, take a closer look at those hands.
Those aren’t Bob Odenkirk’s real hands. We sent an intern to ask Vince Gilligan about this, but she disappeared and was later found in front of Gilligan’s Cavern, eyes wide, incoherently babbling in some ancient tongue, and surrounded by spoilers scrawled on the runic limestone in what is presumed to be her own blood. A fate worse than death, but better than being as constantly clueless as you. You got us again, Vince!
3. “CUCUMBER WATER FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY!”
Ambitious lawyer or not, sometimes a guy’s just gotta relax! However, the scenes where Jimmy kicks back with cucumber slices were nothing but stressful for the Better Call Saul prop team!
When Bob Odenkirk was cast specifically for his long eyes, nobody could have predicted just how often he’d use them to push cucumber slices off of his face and into his open mouth. The production reportedly went through 52 cucumber slices for just one shot. Eagle-eyed fans can spy Jimmy subtly chewing his way through Slice #49 (Slice 50 fell on the floor). Did you even know eagles are so good at seeing that they have an adjective NAMED after them? No? Really? I just used it. Eagle-eyed. Right up there. It’s so literal. You really don’t get it, do you? You used to be better at these things.
4. “COOKIN’ UP A CAMEO!”
Remember this MIND-BLOWING reveal?!
No? Well, you shouldn’t. That image is from the Breaking Bad pilot. Different show entirely. Walter White wasn’t even the first season of Better Call Saul. This was a test. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that this is very important to me. I wish you’d try as hard as I do.
5. “HAVEN’T WE SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE?!”
Is played by this guy:
Scroll slower if I’m going too fast for you, hot shot.
6. “SAUL’S SECRET SOUND!”
And that brings us to the final credit roll! Turn up the volume! Do you hear that? SHH! Listen! Do you hear it? No? Nothing? You should have heard the bone-shuddering sound of basic understanding stampeding into your brain but you missed it because you were too busy texting and sighing instead of watching a show I enjoy with me. We used to enjoy the same things. We used to be fun. I’m not just talking about television. I mean everything. I just. I can’t do this anymore. We were happy when Breaking Bad was on the air and I just thought this could rekindle something. More like Breaking Up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to do this as a listicle instead of a less insulting or more thoughtful form of expression, but as you know, I, too, am an idiot.