Cupcakes are like dating based only on society's ideals of appearance.
Bread pudding is like finding your soulmate who is beautiful to you.
— SofaJusticeWarrior (@TrainwreckFancy) March 29, 2015
No, that skinny photo of me is what you could have if we date and I stop emotionally eating.
— Danny Donaldson (@Danstanster) March 29, 2015
My fave part about high school was never doing my homework but still graduating from college and eventually writing stuff that's been on TV.
— Matthew D'Ambrosio™ (@drmattdambrosio) March 28, 2015
HOT TIP FOR MEN INTERACTING W/WOMEN: pretend like she's a human being & act out a scene w/her where u roleplay how u would talk to a human
— dr. dalia fuckface ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) March 28, 2015
tonight on 16,000,000,000 and pregnant: THIS shapeless mass that predates the universe has a surprise on the way, and its the END for us ALL
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 1, 2015
I hate being broke. I feel hopeless. I feel all the walls closing in around me. Everything is bad.
Sent from my iPhone
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) February 18, 2015
When someone says "I need this done yesterday" it's like I'm not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn't understand how time works
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) April 2, 2015
[taco bell pitch meeting]
What if we fold a trash can in half and put like 11 more trash cans in there
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 2, 2015
Let's just say it on three. One. Two. Three–
Him: I love u
Me: I thought it was pronounced lie-berry until I was 13.
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) April 2, 2015