Thank You for Your Application by @davedittell and @ruinedpicnic

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________________________________________________________________________________

 From: Sharon Yglesias (syglesias@fcci.com)

To: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

Date: 04/02/15, 13:54

Subject: Your Application with Fourth Circle

  

Dear Applicant,

 We at FCCI have received your recent application and placed it on file.  Our Human Resources department will look over your credentials and, as part of our larger process, give it the utmost attention it deserves.  Once again, thank you for your interest in our recently opened position of INSIGNIFICANT MINION.  It is bright, ambitious people like yourself who help make a business into more than just a workplace.

 To answer your first question, we consider our workplace environment to be one based in collaboration and synergism.  We strongly emphasize teamwork and unity and would not be able to achieve our corporate goals without them.  From meetings to presentations to sacrifices in the name of our Dark Lord Baal the Soul Eater and All Powerful God of the Canaanites to important team projects, it’s how we work together that determines our success.

 To answer your second question, we consider our unique corporate culture and the rewarding nature of our work to be its own benefit, but we do offer more traditional ones as well.  We have free on site retirement consultation and travel planning; a “recharging” room with foosball, nap room, and pool tables; and cold windowless cubicles conveniently located in darkened corners near blood-filled water coolers.  What we want most is for our employees to feel comfortable and productive; this is something we’re very proud of.

 As mentioned, Human Resources will be looking over your resume shortly, but if you have any further questions in the meantime please do not hesitate to contact me.  I am available morning, noon, and night through all phases of the moon,

 Sharon Yglesias

Director of Hiring

Fourth Circle Consumer Industries

 _________________________________________________________________________________

From: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

To: Sharon Yglesias (syglesias@fcci.com)

Date: 04/02/15, 16:02

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

Dear Sharon

Thank you for getting back to me so soon, and for answering my questions. I do now, however, have a few more follow-up questions based on the information you have kindly provided.

First of all, When I made my application, the job title was not ‘INSIGNIFICANT MINION’, it was Deputy Sales Manager. I have been a sales co-ordinator at Fitzgerald & Fitzgerald for the past three years, and was looking to move on to something more senior, but in the same field. I do not have much experience in minion work, as far as I am aware, and have only some experience in insignificance. However, if the job retains the same duties and responsibilities as a Deputy Sales Manager position, then I suppose the job title is irrelevant.

Secondly, you mentioned sacrifices to Dark Lord Baal the Soul Eater and All Powerful God of the Canaanites. What sort of sacrifices are we talking about here? I am willing to put in a few extra hours here and there if it means ensuring higher quality projects, and I’m open to working the occasional weekend if necessary. In my last job I was asked to give up my lunch hour on Fridays to deal with end-of-week reports, and after some negotiation, I agreed. Also, what is Dark Lord Baal the Soul Eater and All Powerful God of the Canaanites?

My final question is about salary. On the application form, the salary was listed as ‘competitive’, but as I am unsure what the regular pay for an ‘INSIGNIFICANT MINION’ is, I would appreciate some guidance from you on this.

The break room sounds great. Foosball is a lot of fun. All we had at my old job was a scrabble board with sticky tiles and no ‘E’s. You mentioned a nap room, too? Wow, you guys really like to take care of your employees. I’m not familiar with a Blood-Filled water cooler, is it some sort of filtration system? I tend to only drink spring water these days anyway, it’s better for the body.

Hope to hear back from you soon,

Harry Reindhart

Applicant

______________________________________________________________________________

From: Sharon Yglesias (syglesias@fcci.com)

To: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

Date: 04/03/15, 10:35

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

Dear Puppet,

 Thank you for your queries.  It is my pleasure to clear up any misunderstandings you may have, and I am sincerely glad that you have chosen to follow up with us.

 The job you have applied for is one we value highly; in fact, our work could not continue without the very important contributions made by INSIGNIFICANT MINIONS.  While our customers and clients know us for our public works, industry-leading management techniques, and groundbreaking new technologies, it is our INSIGNIFICANT MINIONS who drive our success.  INSIGNIFICANT MINIONS make up our lifeblood — often quite literally as during the quarterly Time Of The Feeding described to us in The Books Of Flesh And Blood compiled by our own frenzied necromancers deep in the ancient mangrove swamps previously untrodden by man.  It is, quite honestly, one of our most active and relied upon positions.

 Thank you, as well, for offering your sacrifice on behalf of the team.  I shall have Human Resources amend your file to reflect your tremendous commitment and deep and selfless understanding of the needs of our institution. Just between you and I, I can hear their shrieks and howls from down our darkened halls and, while there are no guarantees, it sounds as if they lust for the inevitable despair and the sweet taste of surrender that passes over all upon their coming face to face with our Dark Lord Baal the Soul Eater and All Powerful God of the Canaanites.  If you are offered the position, and you choose to accept it, I think we all look forward to the meeting between you two.

 As far as the competitive nature of the offered salary, this is simply to describe the fights to the death that occur between teams at the darkest hours of the night, determining who shall attain their freedom in the depths of Hell as a martyr of vengeance and misery and whose skills with the scythe shall damn them to a continued existence on this earthly plane.  Sadly, these terms are non-negotiable as they are consistent across all positions at our organization.

 

Glad we spoke,

 Sharon Yglesias

Director of Hiring

Fourth Circle Consumer Industries

___________________________________________________________________________

From: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

To: Sharon Yglesias (syglesias@fcci.com)

Date: 04/03/15, 15:18

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

Hi Sharon

Thank you for the information, but to be honest I’m becoming a little concerned with some of the details of the job.

I am unfamiliar with a lot of the terms used in your email, and frankly some of them seem quite strange. For example, the Time Of The Feeding – is this regular lunchtime or is there an allocated time slot for eating? I prefer to bring my own lunches as I have allergies and prefer to eat organically anyway, and tend to vary the times I eat depending on my digestion and the weather. I am unfamiliar with the Books of Flesh and Blood, as well. Will I have to read these before I start the job? My last job had a couple of pamphlets but they were only a few pages long, and mostly stock photos.

Concerning this Dark Lord Baal, it seems to me that this is an awfully long and somewhat dramatic title for what sounds, personally, as if it is an office manager’s position.  Far be it from me to pass any judgement on Mr. Baal, as I’m sure he’s an efficient and productive worker deserving of his title, but if I am expected to refer to him with his full title on each occasion, I might need to take a fifteen minute break just to address him! Just a joke, but while I’m on the subject, are regular breaks permitted in this position?

However, what really concerns me is these ‘fights to the death’ you mentioned. Until this point I have taken your numerous references to despair and bloodletting as colourful metaphors for the grind of a corporate environment, I’m having trouble interpreting this phrase as meaning anything other than a literal fight to the death. Maybe that sounds naive to you, but to the uninitiated, it sounds like you want me to murder my colleagues in order to survive. I have never used a scythe before, and trust that training would be provided. Mainly, though, I wish not to participate in mortal combat at the workplace.

Forgive me, but if I may ask, just what sort of organisation are you?

 

Yours,

Harry Reindhart

Applicant

_____________________________________________________________________________

From: DARK LORD BAAL THE SOU…. (dlbseapgc@fcci.com)

To: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

Date: 04/03/15, 16:20

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

DEAR SNIVELING PATHETIC HUMAN

 YOU WILL HAVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO CALL ME BY MY FULL NAME AS IT IS UNPRONOUNCEABLE WITH THE WORTHLESS FLESH BOX YOUR DECREPIT KIND HAS BEEN CURSED WITH, AS USELESS AND INANE AS YOUR OWN EASILY ENDED LIFE.

 YOU ASK OF BREAKS BUT THE ONLY BREAKS YOU SHALL RECEIVE WILL BE OF YOUR BONES AS I DRINK THE MARROW FROM THEM, AND OF YOUR WILL TO LIVE AS I PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN AND LAUGH AT YOUR SORRY PLEAS FOR A MERCY YOUR GOD CAN NOT PROVIDE.  YOUR DELUSION THAT YOU ARE IN ANY WAY IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN FATE EVEN AT THIS POINT WOULD BE PITIABLE IF I WERE CAPABLE OF SUCH A MENIAL THING AS EMOTION.

 YOU SHALL BOW BEFORE THE DARK LORD BAAL THE SOUL EATER AND ALL POWERFUL GOD OF THE CANAANITES AND YOU SHALL DO SO WITHIN THE NEXT 48 HOURS BEFORE THIS POSITION IS FILLED AND JUST AS QUICKLY VACATED BY ANOTHER MISGUIDED SOUL.  DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT THE HUMAN SHARON YGLESIAS AS I AM USING WHAT IS LEFT OF HER SKULL AS A MUG FROM WHICH TO DRINK HER BOILING BLOOD.

 

Dark Lord Baal the Soul Eater and All Powerful God of the Canaanites

CEO

Fourth Circle Consumer Industries

__________________________________________________________________________

From: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

To: DARK LORD BAAL THE SOU…. (dlbseapgc@fcci.com)

Date: 04/03/15, 17:44

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

Dear Sir

I’m sorry but I am quite frankly insulted by your email. Snivelling? Pathetic? I may be these things, but from a prospective employer these are wholly unacceptable ways to greet me. But believe me, that’s only the tip of the iceberg that is your rudeness. It is well known that typing in all caps is entirely inappropriate for business correspondence.

Now, aside from the obvious aforementioned snafus, I take exception to several other aspects of your message, and must say that my application to this position is severely in danger of being withdrawn. Drinking my bone marrow? Inappropriate. Peeling back my skin? Inappropriate, and quite frankly, weird. Obviously you are utterly deluded and see yourself as some kind of powerful, mystical being. Either that, or you really are some form of demon. Whichever it is, count me out when it comes to the candidacy.

I’d also like to point out that, whilst not always entirely clear in her emails, Sharon was helpful and polite, and I sincerely hope that your comment about her skull and blood is some kind of misguided metaphor. I strongly suggest you undertake some sort of a course in proper professional etiquette, as your message was more than lacking in courtesy!

Yours,

Harry Reindhart

Ex-Applicant

___________________________________________________________________________

From: Harry Reindhart (harry0001@coolmail.com)

To: DARK LORD BAAL THE SOU…. (dlbseapgc@fcci.com)

Date: 04/03/15, 19:57

Subject: Re: Your Application with Fourth Circle

 

Dear Mr CEO

Looking back at Sharon’s first message, I see that you have a Pool table as well as Foosball.

I must say, I love Pool and the opportunity to play a few games during breaks would be a dream come true.

Please disregard my last email. I probably overreacted. I’m sure we can iron out any issues at the interview.

Many thanks, I look forward to meeting you,

Harry Reindhart,

Applicant

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