1. I was politely kicked out of the Cub Scouts after refusing to say the prayer.
2. I have the handwriting of a stroke victim.
3. Small talk makes me feel as if my oxygen supply has been cut off.
4. I ate dinner at Stephen Bogart’s house. Humphrey’s son.
5. While pitching in a Little League game, my life was forever altered as I found myself lobbing the ball to Donna Sloman, an angular brunette who reportedly had a crush on me.
6. I’ve been to every continent except South America.
7. I ran away from home when I was 14.
8. I was captain of my high school baseball team.
9. I can barely stand up on ice skates.
10. After consuming an overdose of hash cake in Amsterdam, I blacked out and woke up on the toilet in my hotel bathroom. In complete darkness. With my pants on.
11. Two of my favorite people tried to kill themselves.
12. I proposed to my wife under the Eiffel Tower.
13. As a child, I played a mean version of Yankee Doodle Dandy on my armpit.
14. I’ve never been to a strip club.
15. A girl I met in Australia sent me an audio taped love letter which concluded with Abba singing, “Take A Chance On Me.”
16. I’m fascinated by religion, but I don’t believe in God.
17. One of my best friends is a priest.
18. I’ve been alcohol-free since I was 13.
19. I work for the Massachusetts Department of Mental Health.
20. As a young boy, I spilled raw egg on my head while performing an ill-fated magic trick.
21. When I was 12, I used to hitchhike into Hartford with my friend Matt.
22. I’ve only had sex with 5 women.
23. My favorite actress is Jean Arthur.
24. I was on a plane once that I thought was going to crash. I started laughing.
25. I’ve never owned a cell phone.
26. There are no words I dread more than “I had the weirdest dream last night…”
27. On a ferry ride to Tangier, I met two young men who were running from the mafia. We ate dinner together the night we arrived and made plans to hang out the following day. When I woke up, they were gone (but had paid for my hotel room a week in advance).
28. My class rank in high school was 186 out of 228.
29. The stupidest thing I’ve ever done was throw a rock at a police car.
30. I haven’t been in a fist fight since 7th grade.
31. When I was 10, I yanked an infected tooth out with a wrench I found in my mother’s toolbox.
32. I have difficulty spelling words out loud.
33. As a freshman in high school, I was harassed by a cartoonishly muscular senior who is now serving a life sentence for raping and killing a deaf girl.
34. When I was 9, our puppy was killed by a potato chip truck.
35. I tend to overtip homely waitresses.
36. I’ve been taking sleeping pills since my senior year in college.
37. In 7th grade, Amy Gentile kicked me in the balls after I offered my enthusiastic but unsolicited opinion about her butt.