A VERY COMPREHENSIVE* GUIDE TO TALKING CONVERSATIONS by @audipenny

Communication is important for successful human relationships.

Luckily for me, I don’t know what any of the words in that sentence mean! What did I just say? Whatever, anyways, talking’s hard, and only 3% of Americans know how to do it. I mean, you can sometimes, probably, and I can sometimes, and I do, but I’d rather not. No. That came off wrong. I can, but I can’t. I can’t, but I do. Am I right? Seriously. Let me give you tips on talking, ok????? Here we go!!!

1. If they say “hi”, you can say a number of things. Anything really, the world’s got oysters in the ground. Start off with “hello” and end with something simple like, “There’s a baby over there whose mom is gone.” This make them go check on the abandoned baby giving you time to walk away because he’s not really there so he’ll be hard to find.

2. If they make a comment on the weather, such as, “Beautiful Summer we’re having,” the best response in The Book is always going to be, “Too bad it’s the last one! LOL!” (actually say “LOL,” people fucking love this) This will worry them, so that maybe they’ll call their mom, and then you have time to walk away again!

3. If someone asks you, “What’s new?” all you have to do is point to your stomach and say, “There’s foods in there, I think!” If they ask you any further questions, just ask them if they want to see the stuff, and 11/5 times they start talking to someone else.

4. If someone asks you, “What kind of music do you listen to?” oh boy, this is a good one, because get this: you don’t even have to say a word. Just take out the poster of Sum 41 you keep in your pants and show them, proudly. Then you guys can jam out together. Rock on!

5. If someone asks, “Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” you have several options. You could say, “Yes” (are you insane?) or another option is, “I’ve never been asked that before, can you lead me to the bathroom?” and then you guys just go into the bathroom and I’ve never gotten that far in this scenario so I’m not sure what happens next, sorry.

6. Is communication where you try to make someone not talk words at you anymore

7. Sorry I got confused for a second.

8. 8

9. 8888 god dammit this isn’t right hang on.

10. If you want to make a friend, but you don’t know what to say, a foolproof conversation starter is, “YOUR DAD’S NICE” followed by “WHERE ARE YOU GOING,” then just jump on their back, they can’t leave!!!!

11. Is it bad that all of my friends are me

12. If someone tells you, they “need space,” it means they want you to move in with them, immediately, and not even tell them when you’re going to do it, so just do it when they’re at work.

13. 13!!!!! 13!!!! HELP

14. IF THEY LOOK AT YOU IT MEANS RUN UP TO THEM AND GRAB THEIR HANDS

15. I’ve been inside of my house for 9 years

16. you talk with a mouth. that’s the gist of it

17. what’s a gist. is it like a map or what the hell

18. A wall can’t be a wall AND a friend, it can only be one, PICK ONE, IDIOT

19. you don’t really need lips, the government put them there, EVERYONE’S LYING.

20. We’re married now that you read this! See you tonight, honey!

*what’s this word mean

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