There are a lot of articles floating around the internet pedaling relationship advice and they’re all wrong. The tips on those lousy Buzz Feed lists and New Yorker blogs are worthless. Forget Dr Phil’s drivel. Don’t even think of looking at a women’s magazine. They don’t push you hard enough, they won’t truly make your love last.  Here a bunch of scientifically unproven and overwhelmingly insane tips for building intimacy in your relationship. Let’s get started! 

Piggy Back Support Exercise: 

Take turns carrying each other up the steps of ancient ruins in the Four Corners area of the United States. If your travel budget doesn’t allow it, a local park or stadium will do. You must be naked and barefoot and have at least three witnesses; no exceptions. This fosters closeness and is a pretty damned good work out. You will be soaked in the sweat and tears of your loved one and you will definitely haves painful heat rash. What’s sexier than that? Watch out for chafing and blisters. It’s up to you if you decide to sacrifice a virgin but you want this to last right? Don’t wuss out. The ancient Anasazi Native Americans used to do this as a spiritual bonding exercise and look how well they’re doing today!  Relationship coaches I consulted for this article have described this exercise as “physically impossible” and “very very illegal.” Don’t forget to lift with your legs and make one clean cut to throat of your unwilling human sacrifice.

Intense Eye Contact Exercise: 

Take time to stare into each other’s eyes once per day. You may have read some boring pansy article that said 4 minutes is long enough. Forget that advice; what are you, an amateur? Don’t you want to win at love? To be truly committed, spend about 4-8 hours PER DAY locked in intense eye contact. Try not to blink. Couples who really love each other do this for days on end. You’ll lose your job, your friends and probably get pretty hungry and you don’t want to even know about the bathroom situation (hint: you’re sitting on buckets facing each other) but this is what true commitment requires.

Matching Tattoo Commitment Exercise: 

Get these as early as possible into a relationship in a very visible location on your body–forearms and calves are good with summer weather coming up. Everyone knows when you get matching tattoos things last forever. Some image ideas for your matching ink: how about a detailed portrait of Winston Churchill? Maybe matching tramp stamps of panda bears mating? You’ve always wanted that cool Chinese character you think means “eternal love” but roughly translates to: “these people are assholes.” Go for it!   The important thing is to make this decision rashly and perhaps while intoxicated with alcohol and/or oxytocin. Ladies–if you want to show him you’re a sane person who is ready for marriage then go ahead and get “MRS HIS last name”AND the names of your already projected future children tattooed on your chest. This shows you make good decisions. The third date should be about the right time but if you want to show how truly intimate you can be, do it right after the first date. Ask him to pay for the tattoos. 

Housekeeping Exercise: 

Gently remind your partner to pull the god damned shower curtain across the bar after using it. It needs to air out. That’s how you get mildew. Jesus. Also, how many times do I have to tell you to use a coaster? 

Radical Knife Honesty Exercise: 

Give your partner a sharp object like a knife or maybe even a shovel! Let them hold it –pointed at you–while you tell them all the things that bother you about them. Don’t hold back– remember this is about making each other better through brutal honesty! Maybe bring up old fights. Mention and criticize their parents. Tell them you hate their children. Tell them how you really feel about the way they chew their food or remind them of a shared deep secret that eats you alive every day– like that one time you accidentally ran over a box of kittens and vowed never to mention it to anyone. Then, once you’ve bandaged the inevitable deep painful puncture wound in your torso and cleaned the blood off the knife or blunt edge of a spade, switch roles!!  Don’t you feel lighter getting that all out in the open? You could also be feeling woozy from all the blood loss. 

Food Bonding Exercise:

Feed each other. I don’t mean some stupid chocolate dipped strawberry or some grapes for one romantic evening on a bearskin rug in front of a fire. This isn’t a Lifetime Movie. This is like that part in one of the Rocky movies where he’s throwing up from training so hard. I don’t know if that’s actually in the movie because I’ve never watched any Rocky movies. It’s not like they’re classics or anything. For this intimacy exercise, show up at their work, unannounced, maybe interrupt an important meeting (love trumps all!) with their favorite sandwich and tenderly take bites and then momma-bird it right into their mouth. Ignore the disgusted looks of coworkers– they’re just jealous of the special bond you share. Do this every day for a month or until one of you gets physically ill or gets fired for inappropriate conduct. 

Finally and most importantly, take the time to be silently resentful for a few moments each day. Really feel blessed by the rage you’ve conjured up from imagined slights and old wounds. Maybe scream in your car for a few hours or throw rocks at toddlers playing in public fountains–whatever feels healthy to you. Most importantly, do not talk about what’s bothering to your partner. Keep those thoughts bottled up inside you for years and just smile and move forward. Wishing you a lifetime of success!!

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