Last weekend I went to see Mad Max: Fury Road. It was opening night, and I wanted to be one of the first people to see the new film, so I camped out for four hours to get tickets. I love camping. You can pretty much get away with anything you want, because out in nature there are no rules. Some guy came up to me and said I couldn’t poop on the sidewalk; but hey, that’s camping, bro. Sometimes you’ve just gotta do your business.
I also dressed up for the movie, because I heard that’s something people do for midnight premieres. I went as my favorite character: Severus Snape. No, technically he’s not in Mad Max, but if I learned anything from Harry Potter it’s that you can never be too prepared, and I wasn’t about to miss an opportunity to dress up as the Potions Master. The trailer for Mad Max looked like it was about some dude who lives in a desert and drives cool cars. I don’t really know why he would choose to live in the desert. Maybe he really likes to be tan? I had to find out.
Mad Max: Fury Road stars Tom Hardy (Owner of Hardee’s Burgers) and Charlize Theron (youtube.com). Charlize kind of sounds like Charles, which makes me feel like her parents might have thought she was a boy, then realized she was a girl and tried to change her name so people wouldn’t think they were dumb. Nice try, Charlize’s dumb parents. I see right through your ruse.
Max (Hardy) and Theron’s character (I forget her name) live in a post-apocalyptic world. I didn’t really know what post-apocalyptic meant, so I looked it up in the theater and found out it’s after South Africa got rid of social racism. Max probably had a lot to do with that, because he’s a people’s champion who likes everyone equally. I like everyone equally too, except for my neighbor Robert. He told me I couldn’t trim my bushes into the shape of a wiener, even though they’re my bushes. I did it anyway then he cut them all down, so I keyed his car. He called the police. It was a whole big thing.
Turns out Theron’s on the run from a bunch of bad guys with white face paint, who were probably trying to bring racism back. Not so fast, racists. Whenever I see face paint I think of the Renaissance Fair, so I kind of daydreamed about knights and stuff for a little bit in the theater. Being a knight would be cool, because that means I’d own a sword and a shit ton of horses. I’d name my horse Tobey Maguire, because he was in that one movie about a horse and that’d be hilarious. Plus it’d be fun to tell people I have Tobey Maguire in my barn, and not be lying. So Max and Theron get chased by these dudes in white face paint. That’s pretty much the whole movie.
Things I liked about Mad Max:
- Cool Cars. There were a lot of awesome cars in this movie. I like to make tire squealing noises in the theater, but sometimes dads will tell me to shut up, probably because I’m being too extreme for them and their pussy families. Grow a pair of nuts, dads.
- Guns. There were also cool guns in this movie. Most of them shoot fire, which is probably the coolest thing any gun could ever do. Owning a gun that shoots fire would inevitably lead to a bunch of s’mores, and then camping. Talk about fun!
- Acrobatics. A lot of people do flips and various in-air maneuvers in Mad Max. Although I probably couldn’t do the tricks that they could, I like to think I’d come close. One time I did a backflip on a trampoline and everyone was really impressed. Then I tried to kiss my best friend Sherry, but she said no. We’re not friends anymore.
Things I didn’t like:
- No Ford Focuses. I drive a Ford Focus, so it would’ve made the movie a lot better if there was a Focus in it. If the directors really wanted me to be impressed, Tom Hardy would’ve driven a Focus the whole movie. Then every time he got in the car he could’ve said, “Time to Focus,” or something similar, which would have been infinitely more badass than driving some other car and not having a catch phrase.
- No Severus Snape. I knew going into this movie that seeing Snape would be a long shot, but I was really disappointed when he didn’t show up. I wouldn’t even have cared if it was just in the credits! The actor who played Snape probably made fun of one of the director’s moms or something, and they didn’t want him in the film. What a waste.
- No jousting. When I was thinking about the Renaissance Fair, I thought about how much cooler this movie would have been if it was a shot-for-shot remake of A Knight’s Tale, but with Tom Hardy playing the main part in lieu of Heath Ledger (RIP). Let’s do it!
I really enjoyed Mad Max: Fury Road. It was probably the best movie about a post-apocalyptic world starring Tom Hardy that I’ve ever seen. See you at the movies! I’ll be the one shouting for more popcorn.