When life gives you lemons, add high fructose corn syrup until they don't taste like lemons anymore, then sell them to poor people.
— Faith Ch🍩yce (@faithchoyce) May 20, 2015
Nobody seems to appreciate that Deflategate is causing a number of extremely wealthy people to experience small amounts of stress.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 19, 2015
Headed to a bakery, does anyone want everything?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2015
correct response to catching partner masturbating: FUN!
incorrect response to same: Why do you need to do that?!
— Luka Jones (@lukajones) May 17, 2015
You: a rooster locked in a death struggle with your opponent
Me: man in white suit, frantically waving cash
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 17, 2015
Can't tell if I'm dying or scrolling through my Instagram because my life is flashing before my eyes.
— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) May 20, 2015
Most relationships end not with a whimper or a bang, but with 11,000 bobby pins hidden in various corners of your house.
— Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) May 20, 2015
I remember every time I've ever had an awkward social interaction but I forget my sunglasses approximately 6,327 times a day
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) May 20, 2015
HOW TO WALK INTO THE SEA FOREVER:
1. Just do it.
2. It's so easy.
3. Here, hold my phone.
4. Watch me do it.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) May 19, 2015
Tomorrow will be a lot like today.
Except tomorrow could be really bad.
In fact, call your mom.
And I'd buy a gun.
— Ahamed Weinberg (@ahamedweinberg) May 21, 2015