HERE’s what T-Pain and the Lonely Island Got Right and Wrong About Being on a Boat by
by Darryl, Who Is Being Held Captive On A Pirate Ship Right Now
We all know and love the song “I’m on a Boat” by The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain. But is it accurate? I’m here to help you understand the subtle differences between the classic SNL jam and my real experiences as a hostage on a pirate ship. I hope you enjoy my take on the song, and please send help, by the way.
WHAT THEY SAID: “I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget!”
TRUE OR FALSE: Please, god, stop referring to me as “that guy who got kidnapped by Somali pirates. Please forget. I have a name, it’s Darryl, and there’s more to me than just having gotten kidnapped by Somali pirates.
WHAT THEY SAID: “But this ain’t Sea World/this as real as it gets”
TRUE OR FALSE: This line is pretty deep, and I’m conflicted about my answer here. For one, being trapped on a boat below deck for days at a time and only being fed at my captors’ convenience sure makes me feel like Shamu. So this is Sea World, in a way. However, this is also hopefully as real as it gets for me. I just want to go home and see my lovely wife and children. Please help me.
VERDICT: LIL’ BIT OF BOTH
WHAT THEY SAID: “I’m on a boat and/it’s going fast and/I got a nautical-themed pashmina afghan”
TRUE OR FALSE: It’s so dark down here. Help me. I can’t even see colors. My clothes have worn down to shreds and they’re covered in waste.
VERDICT: True, if you’re feeling literal about “nautical-themed”
WHAT THEY SAID: “I’m the king of the world/on a boat like Leo”
TRUE OR FALSE: I’m definitely going to die here. Kate Winslet could leave me to an icy fate due to poor spatial reasoning and I wouldn’t care. I haven’t seen a woman in five months. When will the cold comfort of death come to me?
VERDICT: True if we’re talking about movie Leo, false if we’re talking about Leo on one of his many dope yachts.
WHAT THEY SAID: “Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow/Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible”
TRUE OR FALSE: Okay, so I will admit that I really did not expect that I would be held captive on a pirate ship. Maybe anything really is possible? I would really not like to be on the moon, though. People would say “Darryl, why did you learn how to fly a ship and then take it to the moon where you would certainly die?” And I would say nothing, because I would have lost consciousness within fifteen seconds of encountering the vacuum of space and died within a minute and a half from depressurization.
VERDICT: Hopefully false, but to be fair that would be pretty cool up until I died 90 seconds later.
WHAT THEY SAID: “I never thought I’d be on a boat/it’s a big blue watery road/Poseidon, look at me”
TRUE OR FALSE: This one is tricky. I did think I’d be on a boat at some point, but never like this. And I certainly do want anyone to see me, especially a God of the sea. Certainly the God I believed in has forsaken me, so maybe it’s time for good ol’ Darryl to take his faith to a new ancient belief system. Praise be to Poseidon! May he have mercy on my soul.
WHAT THEY SAID: “I f*cked a mermaid”
TRUE OR FALSE: 🙁
VERDICT: False 🙁