Jerry the Squirrel’s Performance Review Files by @pjtlynch



Three-Month Review, October 2009

Jerry is off to a solid start with the colony. During his training period, Jerry has already shown strong aptitude at gathering seeds, and his tree-climbing skills are commendable. Jerry seems to have established rapport already with his colleagues, and is respectful of his supervisors. We encourage Jerry to keep up the good work as he learns and grows more in his career.


Annual Review, July 2010

There’s no other way to say it: Jerry had an amazing first year! While most squirrels don’t start gathering nuts until their second year at least, Jerry stepped up big-time last fall when the incident with the foxes left us severely shorthanded, right at the height of the gathering season. Jerry showed great initiative and willingness to be “thrown into the fire”, and his efforts helped avoid a catastrophic winter. Now that Jerry is working on our main product line, he will have to make sure to keep working hard in order to avoid getting overwhelmed by his duties. And, of course, to keep up his great attitude!


Annual Review, July 2011

Jerry continues to be one of the best hires this colony ever made. In his first full year of nut-gathering, his hard work and strategic planning helped expand our inventory beyond acorns to include hickory nuts, walnuts, and beechnuts. Jerry also spearheaded an effort to find better storage locations that allowed the nuts to last longer without being stolen by birds. We had, simply, the best winter in the colony’s history.

Due to his skills and efforts, Jerry is being promoted to Manager of Nuts. This is no small promotion, as Jerry will be responsible for the main line of nourishment for the colony. And, since indications are that nut availability in the region may be declining in coming years, Jerry’s efforts on nuts will let us free up some bodies to start new initiatives on fruits and grasses. This is a very exciting time for the colony, and we’re thrilled to have Jerry taking a major role in our future.


Annual Review, July 2012

Jerry had another good year with the colony. As Manager of Nuts, he was able to secure more than enough nourishment to sustain the colony through the winter, even in spite of some tough challenges. As feared, we’re beginning to see reduction of nut availability in the region, and that trend is likely to continue over the coming years. Jerry, though, was able to focus efforts on high-yield nut locations, making up the difference and more. In addition, three of Jerry’s employees were hit by cars this year, leaving him shorthanded. We thank Jerry for stepping up and putting in extra hours to make up the difference (although Jerry does need to learn to delegate more, lest he become overwhelmed).

With these challenges, the colony’s efforts to build its Fruit and Grasses initiatives are even more important. We thank Jerry for streamlining his team so that we could put the three replacement squirrels on Fruit and Grasses instead of Nuts.


Annual Review, July 2013

Jerry faced some difficult challenges this year. His team’s overall nut securement up was up only 2% from last year, below his stated goal of 5%. While maintaining levels is good, especially in light of the fact that regional nut availability dropped 40% this year, we are a colony that encourages growth. Jerry must use more agile methods to help his team find innovative ways to secure nuts.

This will be even more important as we move 2 more members of Jerry’s team to exciting new initiatives. With the Fruit and Grasses initiative not working out as well as we hoped, the opportunities we’re seeing in discarded pretzels and corn dogs is very exciting, and will surely be a big part of the future of the colony’s food supply.


Annual Review, July 2014

There’s no other way to say it: Jerry had a rough year. Nut securement was down 8%. A bit of this shortfall was made up with the one old corn dog we found, but that is a new initiative and can’t be counted on yet to replace our main product line. Jerry also appears to be having management problems, spending too much time gathering nuts and not enough time mentoring and inspiring the two remaining squirrels on his team. In addition, Jerry appears haggard all the time, and should put more effort into his professional appearance.

We are hopeful that Jerry can dig in and turn it around this year. We believe that the recent decision to move the Fruit and Grasses initiative under Jerry’s supervision will be a new opportunity for Jerry and his two squirrels, to revitalize that program while they continue to work on nuts. This will be especially need as the rest of the colony works on the important Pretzels and Corn Dog initiative.


Personnel File Note, March 2015

Unexpectedly, Jerry turned in his two-week notice on March 13th, indicating that he would be leaving to join a colony of chipmunks. We are perplexed as to why such a valued employee would wish to leave. However, this will give us the opportunity to bring in fresh eyes to take on the Nuts, Fruit, Grasses, Pretzels, and Corn Dog division while we advance our new outreach into seeking paper wrappers with a bit of food left on them.

Note: Final termination procedures were not needed, as Jerry was eaten by a falcon shortly before his scheduled last day.

Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebookshare on TumblrShare on RedditPin on Pinterest