every time i hear a third eye blind song i say to anyone around me "that guy lives around here" and 1 person broke up w me bc of it
— jon hendren (@fart) April 30, 2015
A good alternative to 24 hour news would be if reporters thought about what they were going to say and then just did it for an hour, tops.
— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) April 30, 2015
drinks? dinner? sex? intimacy? monogamy? revulsion? cheating? return to devotion? write eulogy? pay for gravesite? just drinks then!
— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) April 29, 2015
Whoa, I can't believe that that girl likes whiskey, a drink I, a man, also enjoy. It's almost as if she were… Human? No, impossible
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 27, 2015
If you find the Baltimore riots senseless. Imagine a sports team losing the big game because the ref keeps shooting their players.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) April 27, 2015
even on my wedding day i'm sure i'll turn to my partner of 10 years and be like "so…what are we?"
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) April 27, 2015
Ask your doctor about Viagra. Ask your doctor about Bach. Ask her whether or not it's okay to paint wood. Bombard her with your ignorance.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) February 1, 2015
do not understand lizards as pets?? like just get a plant if ur gonna be fucking weird
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) April 26, 2015
Is Bill Gates sad his legacy is no longer philanthropy but rather an app that says you look 27 unless you have your glasses on and then: 46
— Alison Bennett (@bennettleigh) May 1, 2015
Hey Himalayan sea salt companies: I just want you to know I know there aren't seas in mountains. Don't worry I won't tell other white people
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) May 1, 2015