Hi Nate, Hi Tam:
My name is Penny and I am a 22-year-old normal college student from Florida, I was wondering if you guys could help me understand WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY BAD BREATH? I brush after every meal AND floss twice a day. I brush my tongue too. My dentist says I have 0 (zero) cavities, which just doesn’t add up because when I breathe on a piece of glass it melts.
The “Spring Fling” is in 5 days and THIS CUTE GUY FROM SCHOOL WHO IS MEDIUM POPULAR ASKED ME TO BE HIS DATE. His name is Drew and he is the son of Dr Drew. Drew Drew.
Tam, Nate, for the love of God, I don’t want him to smell my bad breath. What if he smells it? What do I doooooo?
TAM TAM: Ugh, I get it. When I was in elementary school and I didn’t even know what bad breath was, this girl Paula came up to me during recess and she said “You have bad breath,” and that’s when I learned that bad breath existed and I’ve been paranoid about having bad breath ever since. It’s crazy, now that I’m older and I’ve smelled many different kinds of breaths, I can definitely say that humans have two butts: one is the butt that’s in the butt, and the other butt is just the mouth. In fact, the mouth is the more visible and exposed end of the butt if you think about it.
Anyways, I have an idea for you Penny-Roo. Obviously you’re not gonna get rid of the breath you have in just five days, if you brush the tongue, you’ve pretty much tried EVERYTHING. My advice to you is, approximately 15 minutes before the dance, you eat a big plate of turds. That way, when Drew or any of the other kids at the dance say “Penny you have horribly bad breath right now,” you can be like “OMG, yea…NO GUYS, that’s not my breath, that’s the smell of feces emanating from my innards. My breath is perfect right now you just can’t smell it,” tell them “What your smelling are the poo poo’s I ate earlier before the dance.” This way, they’ll never know your actual breath is bad. Good luck friendy! Let us know how it goes!
Good people (Nathan and Tamara) of this advice column:
Word on the street is that your advice column is a good place for asking questions we’re afraid to ask anywhere else. I need your help really, really badly. My questions is…well…how does a man even go about urinating?
I have never urinated before because my parents never taught me how (and this is something for which I very much resent them). Now my parents are both dead, and I’ve always been too scared and ashamed to ask anybody else. Also, life just became too hectic and whatnot, so I never got around to peeing. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I feel like all this extra water weight is catching up to me. I’m very overweight and live in constant and terrible pain. I’m losing my confidence and it’s starting to become detrimental to my career.
You see, for years now, I’ve been inventing and instrument that will revolutionize the musical world. A musical Frankenstein, if you will. It consists of a guitar that’s shaped like a butt, and makes the sound of farts when you strum it. So cool huh? I’ve performed my musical routine for my cat Leonides and he seems to dig it, but every time my friends ask me to show them my act I freeze up because I don’t believe in myself.
I just know that once I urinate I’ll look and feel better, and this will, in turn, make it easier for me to perform in front of people. So, do tell, how do I begin when it comes to going pee?
TAM TAM: This is a difficult subject, as I know many men who live their lives swollen to maximum capacity, because they were never taught how to expel urine from their bodies. Below I will give you very clear, and easy to follow instructions on how to void the bladder:
To start off, (and this may be the most important part of the process) one must give the scrotum a good squeeze. When you feel that the balls are totally deflated, well then you’ll notice that the penis will become fully erect. The erection of the penis, or the shaft, will be a signifier for you to take a seat on the toilette, as you are reaching the point of urinary release.
Once on the seat, relax your inferior hemisphere musculature, and allow the pee pee to begin exiting through the hole in your butt, or the anus. After the stream ceases you can wipe down your hole with toilette paper or a towel. Feel free to use a bidet, if you happen to have one handy. Repeat urination after every meal and you will notice an approximate weight loss of 15 lbs per urine, so just imagine if you urinate 2 times a day! Good luck brave boy!
NATE: We’re done here.