Beard tips by Reverend @crow_death

So you’ve decided to grow a beard. Good on you. Beards are in style. You’re going to be handsome and interesting just like everyone you went to college with. But there are a few things you’re going to have to do to have a good beard. It isn’t easy. It takes time. Do you have time? I’m going to assume you said yes.

The first and most important part of growing a beard is to stop shaving. Now I know what you’re thinking. Someone told you if you shave it more, your hair will grow in thicker. That’s barely true. There’s plenty of tricks that you’ll hear but the biggest thing you can do is throw your razor into your neighbors yard. Lifting weights will bump your testosterone; sure. But you’re not going to suddenly have a beard.

So we knocked out the biggest tip: don’t shave. You gotta let it go. You are going to look like an idiot for a good 2 or 3 months. Your family is going to make fun of you and girls might not like you. Your partner may say you need to take a break for a while. That’s fine. You’ll get so much more action with your new beard.

You have to brush your beard. Like every other part of your body, grooming is not only a good thing to do, but it will help you in the long run. Brushing your beard with a boar hair brush will distribute your beards natural oils as well as alleviate the itching that will absolutely be there for a good couple weeks.

You may be saying “ok that’s great but my beard doesn’t grow in thick.” You’re right. Chances are, you’re 22 and you really want a large man’s beard. Well guess what, asshole. It doesn’t work like that. I’m 27 and genetically a hairy man. Irish and Scottish makes for a lot of hair and an attraction to wearing dresses and drinking too much. I couldn’t grow a proper mustache until I was 25. Give it time.

For those of you who have beards and you’re looking for other tips, here’s the biggest one of all. Nobody likes a neck beard. Put two fingers right above your Adam’s apple. That’s where your beard should stop. If it goes any lower, you have a neck beard and we’re all making fun of you. All of us. Even your mom. She and I are friends on Pinterest.

Every beard needs to be moisturized. A beard oil or a balm is what you’re looking for. Paired with a tin of mustache wax, you be looking like an old timey strong man before you know it. Smaller or thinner beards will really benefit from the beard oil. Eventually your beard will start going through a bottle of oil every couple weeks and that can really add up. The balm will last you longer an you can use it as a way to keep your beard from looking like you’ve been giving head for hours. Nobody likes sex beard.

Overall, know what style suits you. If you can’t grow a full beard, don’t. Nothing wrong with a solid mustache and a goatee. Or if it grows light on your cheeks, trim those down for a more cropped look. If you want, you can send me a picture of your beard and I will make fun of you.

Good bearding to you.

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