If I could talk to my 3rd grade teacher today I would say you’re outta your god damn mind if you think I’m giving Michael M a valentine
— Amanda (@mobydong) June 2, 2015
Never compare yourself to your peers. After all, your peers don't compare themselves to you, so be more like them.
— leah knauer (@LeahKnauer) June 2, 2015
If you wondered if entertainment journalism raised me, you should know I freaked out earlier because there's no song of the summer yet.
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) June 2, 2015
i know you're not supposed to text while driving but man it is really hard not to text my ex girlfriends when i'm drunk
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 2, 2015
I love oxygen. It's in my blood.
— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) June 4, 2015
if squeezing into a parking spot is more important than, say, surviving a car wreck then yeah: get a smart car.
— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) June 4, 2015
Having a daughter made me realize that the constant hype of "bathing suit season" puts undue pressure on women. How about we call it summer?
— andy lassner (@andylassner) June 4, 2015
(while drawing your blood)
You know, phlebotomy is one of only a few jobs that let you legally make new holes in people.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 4, 2015
Relationship tip: Don't do kegels for a guy who thinks quoting South Park is a personality
— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) June 3, 2015
hi, I'm here for the audition to play hitler in your movie. do you want the sweaty buffoon hitler or the angry quiet scary hitler
— crow t. rachel (@rachelmillman) May 31, 2015