My Parents Are Gone This Weekend: An Itinerary by @jpaulmassengale

YO dudes and others! my parents are going to Tucson, Arizona this weekend and you know what that means?!? PARTY!!!!! Got the house to myself aaallll weekend and you’re all invited. Gonna be both Crazy and RAD so you better be there. Here’s the Gameplan:


7:30PM: My parents leave.

-they’ll give me money for “pizza” hahahahaha YEAH RIGHT! we’ll use that for a much lower carb meal.

7:35PM: All you dudes come over.

-this one is easy, 1.) be a dude (or female dude) 2.) get over here.

8:30PM: Booby (ha booby) Trap the House.

-can someone please bring some marbles? I am out of marbles and I already spent all my money on the tar and feathers and an anvil. Again, marbles.

9:00PM – 12:00AM: Jumanji (real life)

-one of you won’t make it

12:01AM – 7:30AM: Candle Light Vigil for the dude who died during Jumanji // Sleep

-depends if he was rad or not (ex: Rad Steve vs. Lame Jimmy FuckFace)

8:30AM: Continental Breakfast

8:43AM – 8:42PM: Daddy Daycare type shenanigans

8:43PM – 9:30PM: Free Time

9:35PM – 11:00PM: Jumanji (movie)

11:01PM – 12:30AM: Weekend at Bernie’s (movie)

12:31AM – 2:30AM: Hitch (movie)

2:33AM – 2:44AM: Mike the Bike explains to me that not every movie lasts an hour and a half and that we didn’t see the end of any of the movies we just watched. I tell him Kevin James got the girl. He tells me that for some reason that makes him upset.

2:53PM: Tap the Keg.

3:00AM – 10:00AM: REDACTED

10:01AM – 4:30PM: Coach a rag-tag little league baseball team of misfits to victory.

-despite all odds we actually pull it off, and hey, we learn a couple things about ourselves along the way.

-one of you won’t make it.

4:45PM: Finally tell Kelly “Long Legs” Robinson how I feel about her.

5:30PM: Parents get home earlier than expected.

-you all hide in the broom closet.

5:31PM: Parents tell me they’re proud of me for showing how responsible I am, right as you all fall out of the broom closet.

-the police have to get involved.

7:30PM: Kids are picked up from Daddy Daycare.

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