I've never had to go zero to sixty in any amount of specifically short time, car commercials.
— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) June 20, 2015
Someone just told me: "nobody on their deathbed ever said 'I wished I worked more." I'm worried by how many deaths this person witnesses.
— Will Stegemann (@BeTheBoy) June 23, 2015
If You Are Not a Liberal at 25, You Have No Heart. If You Are Not a Conservative at 35 Congrats You're Not A Greedy Fearful Chickenshit
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) June 23, 2015
COMPANY: We made this product pink! so that girls know they can use it
Me: Oh thank god, as A Girl, I don't know anything, this is helpful
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 15, 2015
Gonna start bailing on things by saying "sorry, I can't, that place is within 1,000 feet of a school"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 25, 2015
study: are trees just tall boys in log suits? Commented 1 scientist, "I don't know, leave me alone"
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 25, 2015
It's annoying to watch Seinfeld on TBS when they edit out all the profanity, extreme violence and hardcore sadomasochistic fucking.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 25, 2015
It's too often glossed over that the main character on Saved By The Bell was a mutant who could manipulate the flow of linear time.
— Nick Amadeus (@NickAmadeus) June 25, 2015