Taco Bell's new ad campaign is "Finally, a way to not share your nachos."
We are done as a civilization.
— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) June 15, 2015
I'm eating flourless chocolate cake on a hotel bed, and I bet housekeeping is gonna burn the sheets.
— SofaJusticeWarrior (@TrainwreckFancy) June 15, 2015
Not interested in going to a movie if one tampon can’t get me through it.
— Not My President (@missmayn) June 14, 2015
Because of plastic surgery follow-ups, the hallways of every medical bldg in LA seem like a field hospital from the war on aging
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 15, 2015
May I please explode? Or, what are my options for becoming a wave in the sea? Can I be a popcorn soon? How do I sign up to be a mouse?
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) June 16, 2015
Life's a lot like a helicopter: you get in there, and it's just so so loud. Like, next-level loud. Wow. How do you drive this? Which lever i
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) June 16, 2015
I hate how guys are always like "chicks can fuck anyone they want!" Bitch I wish I could be aroused by dumb hot idiots like you can.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) June 16, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
If u own a confederate flag you should go to jail and a black person should be released to make room for your ignorant self.
— MOISTURIZED (@ericdadourian) June 18, 2015
god, naming birds: Sky idiots. Beak boys. Fly triangles with stick legs
idiot angel in the back: how about birds
god: what? fine. Whatever
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 18, 2015