good news: we're done with beards
bad news: there's another personality substitute
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) June 7, 2015
Sex is a myth. It's not even physically possible: Women have crotch teeth, and men store pee in their balls
— donni saphire (@donni) June 6, 2015
No no no, put your money away! I'd rather keep the mental leverage I now have over you.
— Danny Palumbo (@Palumbros) June 3, 2015
Your safe word is so stupid I am gonna keep going
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) June 9, 2015
I wish vaccinating your baby was as easy as shouting "Who wants some shots?!" to a group of 21 year olds in a bar.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) June 10, 2015
kids these days always taking selfies and they're never in mulch piles. when i was a kid people would just take photos OF me in mulch piles
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) June 10, 2015
Should I call her an ex girlfriend or a near mrs.?
— Jake (@shhrugg) June 11, 2015
I'm in a movie theater alone for the first time in my entire life. if someone walks in here rn I will murder them to preserve this feeling
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) June 11, 2015
When I was little, I had a giant, 4-foot-tall teddy bear that slowly leaked little styrofoam beads until it was nothing. That's what life is
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 11, 2015
The 6th layer of my 7-layer dip is a sign that reads "hope you enjoy the bees" and then the 7th layer is bees.
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) June 3, 2015