Sex And Stuff: A (B)romance Novel (Like, In A Totally Hetero Way) by @mscarlosdanger


Geoffrey stared across the lobby, feeling his heart beat faster than LeBron on the court.

As the heir to the Vancent Hotel fortune, Geoff had a charmed life. He had always used his wealth to bring home hot babes, but still he felt a deep longing in his soul. Surely, there must be something out there to placate his raging woes, something more to this life than hot babes and the excesses of his vast riches. He felt adrift at sea, riding not in his family’s yacht but on a small sailboat easily tossed to and fro by the tumultuous surf.

But once he laid eyes on her, Geoffrey knew. She was the one. She was the girl of his wet dreams, a wild thing to be tamed by methods only he could ever learn. This magnificent creature was the one he could bring home to a warm welcome from his stoic family. (Truly, he craved the love and wisdom that only a father could give but, like, it was a chill thing and he was cool either way)

She was magnificent, her huge rack bursting through her shirt. Her shining green eyes were aimed downwards at her phone in a way that said “this is an invitation for you to come talk to me, yes you, I really do want to be interrupted.”

It was as if he had read her mind – and yet, he didn’t even know her name! He felt that he had known her for eons, imagining them entangled in bliss for centuries. In a past life, they had spent their days playing FIFA and falling more in love with each game he won. She was pretty good at gaming, for a chick, but she was no match for his dominant stance and acquiesced easily during gameplay.

He imagined himself running his hands through her silky chestnut hair and her pushing her delicate fingers through his golden locks, never once complaining about how much product he used.

Geoffrey rose from his seat, approaching her as he would a queen on her regal throne. She looked up from her phone as she saw his boat shoes moving towards her delicate frame, feeling his power shifting towards her and shivering with an anticipation she couldn’t understand. She was slim but curvy, all her body fat concentrated in two desirable locations and nowhere else. It was dope.

He told her as much, and she felt pure light rush into her soul. “You—you really think my body is bangin’?” she breathed out, her heart pounding harder than the beat of a Diplo song. She longed for him, exuding sensuality from her every pore, its passage made easier by the fact that she was so naturally beautiful that she never had to wear makeup.

Caressing her cheek, he asked for her name. She whispered “Vanessa,” nearly overcome by the heat of his touch, and it was as if the heavens themselves had sang it directly into his ears. Vanessa! Vanessa! He loved the sound of it, sweeter than ambrosia and dearer to him than the memory of his SAE induction. Where had this marvelous sylph come from, and how had he allowed himself any moment of joy before this meeting?

He heard the name ringing through the air again: “Vanessa?” He had not spoken it, and nor had she. They turned and found the concierge looking about for Vanessa, unaware that she and G were totally having a moment, one that had itself redefined bliss.

Vanessa rose to the call, making a hasty apology. “Don’t go!” he cried. “What possible cause could you have to depart from this scene? I haven’t even begun to to tell you about how you’re different from other girls. My heart is forever wedded to yours in this instant; how can you exit the honeymoon so swiftly?” She explained that she had a job interview in this very hotel – it must have been fate that brought her to his doorstep.

He yearned for her to give him a certain kind of job, one that would require a much shorter interview.

All through the interview she daydreamed of Geoffrey, secretly hoping he would send her a photo of his pulsing member. She knew she wouldn’t even have to ask – he would just understand Vanessa and know that deep in her soul this was what she really wanted. No girl had really ever understood him, because he was so complex, and probably nobody ever would. He had some really deep emotions, not in a gay way though.

She shook hands with her interviewer, feeling that no hand could ever inflame her the same way Geoffrey’s had. His hands, oh god, his hands! She was on the brink of ecstasy just recalling their brief interaction. Her breasts continued to swell beneath her shirt. She was at least an 8, probably even a 9.

Walking out of the room, she spied Geoffrey seated nearby. He had waited for her! No one had ever treated her so well, and no man had ever incited in her such a lust for exploration. Vanessa’s legs became weak when she saw his wry smile and then nearly gave out beneath her when she spied the room key in his hands.

Torn to the very veins of their hearts by longing, the pair joined hands and felt the warmth of love flow between them. Then they banged and it was totally hot or whatever.

She left his bed in the morning and he thought of her, only of her, enjoying the memory of her lithe body twisted between silk sheets. Had he truly never known this pleasure before? Geoffrey knew what he must do in that instant. Dreaming only of the future, he left a note at the front desk for the concierge: “Don’t hire this chick Vanessa. I hear she’s totally crazy. Probs not a good fit.”

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