[the inventor of the drawing board's prototype falls over again]
"Oh well, back to the desk"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) July 23, 2015
DOCTOR: I'm sorry about your wife. We tried everything.
ME: *Sobbing* Just put your clothes on and get out of my bedroom.
— Mark Pfennig (@mark_pfennig) July 20, 2015
[me coaching little league] remember, the only rule is "have fun" [i see a kid crying & i fling a chair at him] WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY
— trent (@trentistweeting) July 19, 2015
God: Actually, it's pronounced Jod.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 22, 2015
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 20, 2015
ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) July 20, 2015
*uses jewelers eye thing to appraise a piece of cinnamon toast crunch*
— joe (@sad_tree) July 22, 2015
TECH STORE ASSOCIATE: you should really upgrade your tablet, sir
ME: *writing out "No" slowly on my Etch-A-Sketch* i've got one word for you
— content provider (@cwhudson) July 21, 2015
Can't sleep. When you order a two-person horse costume they only let you ship to one person and I am getting angrier and angrier about it.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) July 19, 2015
[Take 300 on True Detective]
Vince: you're money baby
— ollka crump (@dulcetry) July 20, 2015
List compiled this week by @thenatewolf with the help of twitter.