Dear Principle Brown
I am Delthazor the Wise from Elders Against Magic Abuse (EAMA). I write you this letter because of the sorcery running rampant through Jon Bon Jovi Memorial High School. It has come to my organization’s attention that over 45% of your students have admitted to magic use within the last 3 months. I’m sure you understand the dangers of Magic use at a young age. So I am tasked with lowering magic use in your school to 5% by the end of second semester. Here are some changes you can make that will start to help us reach our goal:
-Remove all pencils from school property as they can be used as wands for lesser spells.
-Have armed Cyclopes at all entrances of the building, so they can keep an eye out for any suspicious characters who might be wizards. (They are surprisingly gentle lovers)
-Keep students active with sports to prevent them from becoming total nerds, as 87% of all magic is performed by nerds
-Keep chemistry classes locked so students cannot use the lab for potion brewing, (also search students for dragon’s scrotum as it is a key ingredient in most potions)
-Play west coast gangsta rap over the intercom every morning to ward off pixies, as west coast rappers are the pixie’s natural predator.
Those are just a few things to begin the cleansing of the school, at the end of the month I will send a recovering magic user to speak about the dangers of magic to the kids Mr. Potter has been magic free for almost a year now.
I shall remain in contact,
Yours truly, Delthazor the Wise