Spoiler Saver by @SirEviscerate

Narrator: If you’re anything like me, you live a busy, jet-setting lifestyle full of adventure, intrigue, and danger, and have to record all your favorite shows on DVR to watch at a later time. There’s no denying that the DVR is an amazing invention, but it has opened the door to one of life’s greatest annoyances: the spoiler.

[sfx: ambient office sounds]

Sarah: Good morning, Jeff! How was your weekend?

Jeff: Hey, Sarah! Great! And how about last night’s episode of Contest of King Chairs? I can’t believe they killed off Glentarius Flydorian!

Sarah: Jeff, you jerk! I haven’t watched it yet! Ugh!

Narrator: Isn’t that just the WORST? Honestly, sometimes I just feel like beating those loose-lipped ending ruiners within an inch of their goddamn lives. That’s why I created the perfect invention for preventing such indiscretions from ever happening again!

The amazing SPOILER SAVER is a candy corn sized device that fits comfortably in your ear like a hearing aid. The moment it senses some thoughtless moron spilling the beans about your favorite movies, television shows, sports, or life events, it filters out the sound and replaces it with safe, harmless trivia!

Let’s check back on Jeff and Sarah at the office again. Only this time, Sarah will be wearing a SPOILER SAVER…

[sfx: flashback]

—-

[sfx: ambient office sounds]

Sarah: Good morning, Jeff! How was your weekend?

Jeff: Hey, Sarah! Great! And how about last night’s episode of Contest of King Chairs? I can’t believe they

Interrupting robot voice: INVENTED MARGARINE IN FRANCE IN 1869 FROM BEEF TALLOW AND SKIM MILK

Sarah: Now I am smiling and giving a thumbs up! Because of how good the thing is!

Narrator: Holy balls, that was incredible! The SPOILER SAVER is a real piece of work, am I right, folks? Here’s another scenario you might recognize:

[sfx: bar noises, clinking glasses, etc.]

Steve: There you are, you ugly sack of horse shit! Get in here and give me a sturdy man hug!

[sfx: pat pat pat]

Kevin: Man, how long has it been?! I haven’t seen you since Bangkok when we took turns–

Steve: WE VOWED NEVER TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN, KEVIN.

Kevin: Right. Anyway, did you see that hockey game last night? I nearly spilled my beer celebrating when Reneau scored that goal in the second overtime!

Steve: NOOOOOOOO! I HAD IT RECORDED! Now, I have to shoot you.

[sfx: copious gunfire]

NARRATOR: Uh oh! Our friend is looking at 20 years to life in prison for murder, and all because he wasn’t wearing a SPOLIER SAVER. Here’s how it SHOULD have gone down:

[sfx: flashback]

————

Kevin: Man, how long has it been?! I haven’t seen you since Bangkok when we took turns–

Steve: WE VOWED NEVER TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN, KEVIN.

Kevin: Right. Anyway, did you see that hockey game last night? I nearly spilled my beer celebrating when–

Interrupting robot voice: THE HUNGRY FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS ATE THE HEAD OF THE FURIOUSLY COPULATING MALE

NARRATOR: The SPOILER SAVER is literally the only thing that could make your pathetic existence worthwhile! And it doesn’t just work for televised events! Sometimes you want there to be real life secrets too, am I right?

[sfx: whirring ultrasound noises}

Jill: Does my baby look healthy, doctor?

Doctor: Absolutely! Very good growth and it has hit all the benchmarks we look for in this trimester. And congratulations! It looks like you’re having a girl!

Jill: (screams in rage) IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE! I WILL NEVER SHOW THIS CHILD LOVE! I WILL LET HER GROW UP TO BE A SOULLESS SOCIOPATH JUST TO SPITE YOU!

Narrator: Oh great! Just what the world needs. Another sociopath. Like I really need any more competition from some upstart infant. Fuck you, hypothetical baby! Let’s give Jill a SPOILER SAVER and give that no good obstetrician another chance at redemption.

[sfx: flashback]

[sfx: whirring ultrasound noises}

Jill: Does my baby look healthy, doctor?

Doctor: Absolutely! Very good growth and has hit all the benchmarks we look for in this trimester. And congratulations! It looks like you’re having a—

Interrupting robot voice: SOUTH AMERICAN LUNGFISH, A FRESHWATER FISH FROM THE AMAZON BASIN WITH THE REMARKABLE ABILITY TO BREATHE AIR.

Narrator: If you don’t want to immediately pay me your life savings to get your hands on one of these babies at this point, you must be some kind of mega-idiot bitten by a radioactive asshat or something. Fine, whatever, I’ll show you one more thing, you ungrateful punks.

[sfx: screeching tires, THUMP]

Bill: OH MY GOD! I think you hit that old gypsy woman!

Sean: This can’t be happening.

Bill: Are you drunk? You’re drunk, aren’t you? Oh god, this is bad… this is bad.

[sfx: car doors opening, closing]

Sean: Hey, lady, are you alright?

Gypsy: You will pay for your ignorance, you fool! (coughs) With the powers vested in me by black magic, I curse you with the exact hour of your death: May 18th, 2024, 8:42 pm!

Sean: What sort of life will I be able to enjoy with that horrible knowledge?! Damn you! Damn you to hell!

Narrator: That’s some heavy shit right there. Look how much better it might have been with a SPOILER SAVER

[sfx: flashback]

Sean: This can’t be happening.

Bill: Are you drunk? You’re drunk, aren’t you? Oh god, this is bad… this is bad.

[sfx: car doors opening, closing]

Sean: Hey, lady, are you alright?

Gypsy: You will pay for your ignorance, you fool! (coughs) With the powers vested in me by black magic, I curse you with the exact—

Interrupting robot voice: SIZE OF GANGSTER JOHN DILLINGERS PENIS, RUMORED TO BE WELL OVER NINE INCHES

Narrator: Ha ha! My man Dillinger swinging pipe! Never let anyone ruin your day again! Stuff a SPOILER SAVER in your ear today, and leave it there the rest of your worthless life!

Speedy disclaimer voice: It is not recommended to permanently wear a SPOILER SAVER device. Side effects of long term use include mild headaches, dry mouth, and the relentless disintegration of your ability to separate fiction from reality. Discontinue use at the first sighting of mythical creatures such as Jersey Devils or Yetis. Failure to remove the SPOILER SAVER after development of early symptoms will result in you believing that your loved ones are hideous abominations in the eyes of a vengeful god, and you are the instrument of his righteous wrath.

Narrator: Remember – With SPOILER SAVER, Ignorance is Bliss!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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