This article is rather daunting to begin, because any time you try to point out a way someone could improve, it tends to come across as “you’re shit and I hope you fail in every way in front of the people you love especially Jenny from accounting, who knows you have a crush on her by the way.”
I’m going to try my best to be honest about what works and what doesn’t for my friends and I in terms of agreeing to do The Sex with guys. This is clearly limited in scope since I’m a straight girl in her twenties and that’s the situation to which I’m referring. Maybe this extends across all kinds of boundaries and dating spheres, but I earnestly have no clue. All right. There are some of my disclaimers (which they tell you to never include in your writing, but I am a very nice, timid lady who doesn’t want angry readers).
My friends and I are trying to date. Date boys in fact. In that 20-something way where we don’t really want commitment but exclusivity could be cool down the line. Like I’m not trying to check in with you before I take a new job. But I am also not trying to get an STD because after you watch every Mission Impossible movie with me all day you banged your hot neighbor who makes the really good chocolate chip oatmeal cookies that you wont shut up about. THAT I CAN ALSO MAKE.
Firstly, women want to have sex. Gallons of it (is that not how sex comes?). At least all the girls I know do. We demand consensual, safe sex with someone we trust. And we all want that kind of sex a lot. Frequently, conversations revolve around how long it’s been since we have had sex. The point is, this article is not to say that we don’t want sex. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m trying to point out some ways that men have gotten it wrong, from what I have seen* (I worded that so carefully). That way we all get to have more, safe & fun sex. YAY!
Again, we are not all looking for long term committed relationships, like you may have been led to believe. Some people are! A lot of the people I know are not. We are looking for casual and fun encounters with cool people. We hope some of them will be sexual. But y’all move so damn quickly.
It takes us—well at least me—a whole lot longer to feel safe in a situation with a guy than it takes him to feel safe in a situation with me. There are tons of reasons for that. Both conscious and obvious—like the risk of STDs and pregnancy—and more abstract— like the fact that if we get somewhere and he wants me to stay, I may not be able to leave because he’s physically capable of stopping me. Also, there is a lot more social risk of a woman sleeping with someone. Let’s just agree that we get that sleeping with a guy feels riskier for women.
And you guys go and mention meeting up within four messages on tinder! Seriously? You know nothing about me, how did you decide you would be ok with me at your house? Also I know nothing about you. You just asked me what I’m up to. And then to come over. That’s way way way way way way too much.
This is an odd metaphor, but imagine trying to get a wild horse to eat out of your hand. (Women aren’t horses for real! Sorry ladies!) The male method of initiating sex is like throwing raw steaks at the horse screaming “COME EAT YOU BEAUTIFUL PONY I SAID YOU WERE PRETTY WHY DONT YOU WANT THIS MEAT????”
Personally, I have found myself combating the situation by basically drugging myself with alcohol, just to lower my inhibitions enough that I all of a sudden am not wholly alarmed by how fast men try to move. I’ve had that sentiment echoed back to me. Please understand, this is not the only reason girls drink or anything. We are out to have fun and dance and be wild. But I have done it before. And many other girls I know have done the same. It feels like it’s on us to accelerate and keep up with how quickly you want to move, so you don’t find someone else.
But may I suggest instead taking it slower? You’ll still get casual sex! (Well, you’ll get at least the same amount as you were going to get before). Decelerating is not a declaration that you want things to be serious. It’s just a respectful way of addressing the fact that there’s a much higher risk factor for a woman to agree to sleeping with you.
Just hold your hand out and treat her like a wild horse. We love oats. And by oats I mean back massages that lead to sex. Anyway. Talk to her for a bit. Get to know her. Treat her like a person first. And a person that you would like to bang second. Might be fun! Might be humanizing! Who knows?
*Reminder: Men are lovely. Women are lovely.