Why Disclaimers Can Suck My Dick by @KelgoreTrout

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I come across so many articles that are well-written and funny, but then right in the middle of an amazing train of thought, the author stops and puts a stupid disclaimer, like “Just to be clear, I am saying this from my own personal experience. I know there are probably a lot of really nice [assholes] out there.”

Just to be clear, I am only saying this from my own personal experience. I know there are probably a lot of really nice disclaimer-using authors out there.

It bothers me. My favorite high school English teacher taught me that when you are writing an essay you should take out “I think” and “in my opinion” because it is obvious that this is your opinion; it’s your goddamn essay! We get that an article about why cats are better than dogs is a subjective piece of writing, you do not have to reiterate that you don’t really want [every dog owner] to suck your dick.

I’m not saying that I want every disclaimer-using author to suck my dick!!!

Oh wait, yes I am. Disclaimers can suck my dick. I hate them. Your stupid disclaimer takes me out of your wonderful essay, story, or rant and brings me back to the bitter reality of political correctness. To writers, I say this: I dare you to write your next article without a single disclaimer. When you add a disclaimer, it takes away from your point, weakens your argument, and makes me want to burn down [wherever it was published].

Please note that I am not going to burn down the internet.

If you chose to write an article about Mexican immigration into the United States, you better have the cojones (lol) to write about Mexican citizens and illegal immigrants without being, like “Just to let everyone know, I don’t have a problem with [Mexicans]. I actually love them and they make, like, the best [food] ever.”

Just to let everyone know, I don’t have a problem with disclaimer-using authors. I actually love them and they make, like, the best disclaimers ever.

If you are a strong writer, you can explain your stance against Mexican immigration without coming off as a racist. Okay, so now we are all on board with never-ever using disclaimers! Instead, we will all write responsibly, say what we really mean, and not ruin what could have been a funny article. Otherwise, get ready to suck my dick!

I want to stop and say this: I do not have a dick. I am a human woman. Not that being a human woman means you don’t have a dick though, it’s your choice. Okay, but I’m not saying that’s a CHOICE, per se. I’m just saying like, you know…. it’s OKAY.

But I do not have one.

 

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